Monday, June 30, 2008

VH1 Strikes Again

Flav, New York and Bret gave them the boot, but who will grab the booty? With $250,000 on the line, it’s anyone’s game. I Love Money is the title of the new retarted, sorry reality show on VH1.

Well at least they gave it the appropriate title. These reality show losers are once again letting VH1 make them the town idiot for some cash and a chance to be on television. I am not sure exactly what they are doing to them but they are crying in a lot of the commercials. It must be horrible because these things cannot rationalize emotion therefore I don't know what it would take to make them cry.
Stay tuned for next seasons "I Don't Know The Meaning of Self Respect, So Of Course I will Make Out With This Troll", and "I Have An IQ of 47, You Know You Wanna Hit This!".

Keeping in theme with the meat thing...

Sir Paul McCartney has urged the UK to hold “meat-free Mondays” to reduce carbon emissions.
McCartney told The Grocer that the scheme would alert consumers to the environmental impact of meat production.
He said: “A lot of people go to the gym on a Monday. With meat-free Mondays, it’s a bit like going to the gym but with the added advantage of protecting the planet.”
McCartney noted that a similar policy had proven successful in Australia.
He added: “One of the most significant conclusions of the recent report on climate change was that we should eat less meat. This is not the Vegetarian Society that said that. It’s the UN.”

No. The last time I read anywhere that I am not supposed to ingest meat was in the Bible. Then they changed it to only during Lent. If I am not listening to the God Almighty's written word, I am certainly not listening to yours Paul. I don't care if you were "the cute one", or if you were the Walrus or the Egg guys never really explained that song too well. But, no I will eat meat when I damn well please. Let It Be...

Pot meet kettle...

Jessica upset Pammi and all her vegetarian chums by wearing a T-shirt proclaiming: “Real girls eat meat.”
But now the former Baywatch babe has hit back with a spectacular insult.
Speaking on radio in Australia – where she’s waiting to go into the Big Brother house – the star slammed her rival buxom blonde.
Pammi blasted: “I think she is a bitch and whore.
“Actually, I don’t know if she was talking about food or men.”
She added that she is proud of not eating meat, saying: “I think it’s healthy, good for your body and good for the environment.” (, from The Sun)

Did.....did Pamela Anderson call Jessica Simpson a whore? A whore? I am of the opinion that when your career has been pretty much based upon being a have absolutely no legs to stand on here Pam.
Her story on how she met her new ex husband Rick Solomon (yeah the sleaze who fucked Paris Hilton then put it on tape) goes like this. "I was in Vegas and I was down $100,000 and I realized I didn't have any money. So he told me he would pay my debt if I made out with him. So I did and we fell in love and now we're getting married."
Now that's a whore.
What does eating meat have to do with being a whore anyways?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Go Green...I think

Greenpeace is strange. To protest global warming they had 1000 people strip naked on a glacier. What statement does that make? They were still cold so there was no statement about global warming. Also, the glacier was strong enough to hold 1000 naked people on it so it does not make much of a statement for melting glaciers.
Now they do this:
Out of 11,000 submissions in our competition to name the humpback whales we were tracking on their migration to the Southern Ocean, we narrowed it down to the final 30. Over 150,000 people then voted for their favorite name.
Mister Splashy Pants is the winner by a nautical mile! (

Seriously? Mr. Splashy Pants? They let the hippies vote and the best they can come up with is Mr. Splashy Pants? Over 150,000 people voted and the best they could come up with was Mr. Fucking Splashy Pants? I'm all for animal rights and all but the nimrods that named this beautiful mammal should be clubbed like baby seals. I'm sorry Mr. Splashy Pants, may I call you by something else? You can pick the name.

Deep Thoughts by ME!

This morning while I was on the treadmill I was watching the Pussycat Dolls Video for the song Buttons featuring Snoop Dogg. Great video to watch while you are working out by the way, It guilts you into running your ass off.
Anywho, there is a part in Snoop's lil' solo that he says "All six a' y'all on me, now tell me how it feel baby doll..." I take umbrage with this statement. Not because of the fantasy of him having six beautiful women draped all over him, but the fact that he asks how they would feel.
How would they feel? Well Snoop, they would be bored to tears. I mean these girls are doing acrobatics, dancing in chairs, so hot that they literally set themselves on fire... and Snoop a habitual pot smoker is asking how they would feel catering to him? We all know pot doesn't make you the most ambitious lover/worker/student/person in the world so yeah they would be bored with you Snoop.
As a side note, how would Snoop feel? I think he would be a bit overwhelmed, all six of them can do that leg behind the ear thing.

Monday, June 23, 2008

More hippo-crites

Having weathered the highs and lows of eating disorders, Brittany Snow has shelved her personal trainer and sworn off dieting. "Done with the trainer. I canceled my trainer," Snow, 22, told PEOPLE over the weekend at Stride Gum's Longest Day of the Year party in West Hollywood. "I refuse to do the whole diet, fitness, style thing anymore," Snow says. "I just kind of go and have fun. I know what I like, I know what makes me feel good, and that's just what I do."
She quickly adds
Snow adds, "I go to the gym everyday, I eat really well, I buy dresses by myself. I want to work and be with my friends. That's all I really care about." (

She's 22. Yeah, she is in Hollywood and she is done with the trainer. Does she expect to have a long career? Let's see what happens when her ass starts to sag or OMG! She turns 25! You are so easily repraceable kid. Learn this Angelina you are not.
But, she still goes to the gym everyday and eats really well. Perhaps all is not lost and she might make it through this business without cutting herself and throwing up anymore.
The part that worries me is that she makes it a point to say "I buy dresses by myself." What? So? What do you want for that? This is not the Special Olympics of Shopping. Just because you can put your head through the right hole in a particular garment does not make you particularly interesting. As a matter of fact? Why did they even run this interview? This entire segment was a waste of time.

Hip Hop Weekly Ragazine...

Did you guys know that there is a gossip magazine by the name of Hip Hop Weekly? Me neither. If we did we would have heard made up stories about the hip hop community just like they make up stories about Ashley Simpson being pregnant and getting married. Oh that's true? Ok sorry well here are some headlines...

"Foxy Brown and 305 Hip Hopper Rick Ross are engaged!"
It says she nabbed herself one of the most elegible bachelors in hip hop. It must not have been difficult because he is out of shape and it is really hot this week in Miami.

And this lil' tidbit.....
JIGGA'S LITTLE SECRET EXPOSED!A few days after HHW’s exclusive interview with Shenelle Scott hit newsstands, Jay-Z’s publicity reps went into spin mode, releasing a vaguely worded statement denying that Jay-Z had paid Scott a million dollars to keep his name off the birth certificate of her son Isa-Jael, who is 5 years old and lives in Trinidad. What they didn’t deny, however, was that Jay-Z was the boy’s father. The reason for that, according to a source close to the situation, is that it is true: “Jay-Z is definitely the father of Isa-Jael,” our source says. Jay wasn’t sure at first, so he reportedly had a paternity test, and following the results, which he allegedly kept secret from Scott, he is rumored to have bought her and her son a house in Trinidad worth a whopping $2.5 million. (
WHAT THE FUCK JIGGA!!! Beyonce is going to kick your ass if this is true. Her mom is going to take that bedazzler of hers and shoot you full of rhinestones.

Thank You Ice T!!!

“Fuck Soulja Boy! Eat a dick! This nigga single handedly killed Hip Hop.”
Those are the words of Gangsta Rap veteran, Ice-T, who appears on DJ Cisco’s Urban Legend mixtape with a few choice words about Soulja Boy.
“That shit is such garbage man,” Ice-T continues to snarl. “We came all the way from Rakim, we came all the way from Das EFX, we came all the way from motherfuckers flowing like Big Daddy Kane and Ice Cube, and you come with that Superman shit? That shit is garbage.”
Apparently, Soulja Boy isn’t the only one in Ice-T’s sights. The rapper had a few things to say about another young rapper.
“Hurricane (Chris) take them fucking beads out of your hair nigga! Man up. You niggas is making me feel real fucking mad about this shit.”

There are things I can't say because well, I'm not black. But, I agree wholeheartedly with what Ice T has to say here. He does not mention all the culprits, but Soulja Boy and Hurricane Chris are definetly on the Top 10 List of Abominations to hip hop.
I always loved that term "eat a dick" but surprisingly there are not many occasions in which I would or could use it. He uses the term quite well here so I a dick Soulja Boy.

Comedian George Carlin Dead at the age of 71

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

I'm pretty sure he didn't go to Heaven, even if he deserved it he would've hated it there.
He does this great rant about people naming boys pussy names, like Perry,Chace and Kyle. It makes me proud my nephew's name is Max.
I can only pray I am half as smart and funny as this fucker was for real.
He was a true comedian that made it to his 70's. Usually all that laughter is marred by a lot of darkness and he was no exception. I'm just glad he was around long enough to enjoy it.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I Believe....

That Posh Spice should smile more considering she is married to David Beckham

That it is too cold in my office today to do any "real" work

That the fantasy never lives up to the reality

I am still scared to eat tomatoes

I might have spelled tomatoes incorrectly but I don't have the wherewithall to look it up

My engagement ring is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen

Nina Simone is talking to me directly right now....maybe because the sun is shining and I am feeling good?

5 Pussycat Dolls is still 4 too many

I don't care if it's summertime, I'm still wearing black nail polish

With every stupid thing I read in a tabloid/website I lose a vital memory/lesson that would serve me well in my future endeavors

Cucumber/watermelon.... still not sure about that fragrance

Anne Boleyn got screwed

Jeff Goldblum is sexy.....I don't care what anybody says


"Yeah, I just got your other email and I’m a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people and this and that and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you're a fucking liar. Okay? You're a fucking liar. So, you know what it's like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You're a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You're a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you."
This is a voicemail that Charlie Sheen left Denise Richards. I think he's confused.
I despise racial slurs of any kind, but this, this makes no sense. I don't know how many insults you can give someone in one conversation that you just run out of them and just start making them up regarding ethnicity and skin color. He should have just called her fat, that really would have upset her.

Deep Thoughts by Gisele Bundchen

Her thoughts on first meeting Brady and being introduced to football:"Look, I’m Brazilian. I had never seen football before. I’m freezing, and all I’m thinking is, When can I go back to New York City? I didn’t understand why they were all hitting each other. Now I do, but I didn’t."(

I hate her a little bit right now. She didn't understand why they were all hitting each other? It's a sport ya' stupid bimbo. Ok fine she is from Brazil, but she has been living here for years and you are going to tell me she has never heard of "American Football"? She is freezing and she wants to go back to New York City? Um, sweety, during football season it is usually cold in the general North East area....that includes New York City. My brain hurts....I hate girls that don't take the time to at least pretend to like what their "men" are interested in. Tom Brady...takes her to a game....she is STANDING ON THE SIDELINES DURING A PATRIOTS GAME....and she just thinks they are hitting each other??? This is enfuriating...I have to go now.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Lights Are On, But You're Not Home...

On finding Keith after her marriage to Tom: “Keith and I, we’re more like, ‘Hey’ [she shrugs and smiles]. We just gently, gently sort of fell into each other. We were just two lonely people who went, ‘Ah, there you are.’ I’m so committed to this relationship, and so is he. I don’t have addiction problems, but love is a very powerful force in my life. It’s my fatal flaw and my virtue.”

I hope you guys got my Robert Palmer reference.
Anyways, you would think she was still married to Tom Cruise. It seems so fake and practiced down to the shrug and the smile. I miss the times when Angelina talked about fucking Billy Bob in the limo on the way to some award show. Now that's honesty....disgusting but honest.

What Stories is He Talking About??

“Am I so much of a bad guy because I decided to get married? Am I so much of a bad guy [because once I got in the situation], I decided to stand for something, build a foundation, and think about my future?” he asked. “As a man, you would respect me for not turning my back on it. … It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man — a black man — in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing.”
Why is he making it seem like he deserves to be thrown a parade because he is a "black man" that married his "pregnant girlfriend"? Fuckin yaayy Usher. I twirl a baton set on fire in your honor.
And Usher, women are not becoming lovers to each other because there are not enough men. It's because they are bored of men, not dying for them. Besides when you get a girlfriend your choice in outfits automatically doubles. Am I right ladies?


"He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old. He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around. A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him searching through a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, 'I've lost my flip-flops!'" (

I'm sorry, but is this really supposed to matter? Have you seen him without a shirt on? Spread the love baby, you have every right to. Play your bongos nekkid, do your thing. You've earned it papi!

What a bitch

The rapper, who has his own clothing line, said he went through a strict grooming regime. 'While I'm getting ready I like to relax with a drink – vodka and lemonade – and listen to some James Brown,' he explains.'Then I'll have a manicure and pedicure – and yes, I wax as well. Men owe it to women to make sure they are well-groomed.' The star, 38, added: 'I wax my privates.”
(Metro UK)

Is that supposed to turn the ladies on? Because if that is the aim, it is not working Puff. That's pretty revolting actually. Why does he keep telling us these personal things about himself? I feel like he is singing that song from Slick Rick and Dougie Fresh where Rick tells us of his morning ritual. You guys know what I'm talking about. "Clean, dry, wash my body and and hair" know it.
I hope his waxer says "take that, take that" when she/he rips the wax off his balls.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


The Entourage crew – Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon, Kevin Connolly and Jeremy Piven – roll through West Hollywood Monday as they continue filming the show's upcoming season, set to air in September. (

SEPTEMBER??? What am I supposed to watch all summer? I really think I might have a heart attack. Everytime I go to my brother in law's house and I catch him watching Deal or No Deal, or my sister watching (last night actually) the riveting mid-season recap of The Bachelorette the running joke is "So, when does Entourage start?" Our Sundays have revolved around The Boys, their ladies, the weed (not us). WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?! In the immortal words of Ari Gold.....LLOYD I NEED YOU!!!

Dear Alicia, Ashanti, Nellie F., Mischa,

Not that this has anything to do with any of you, but....if you have cankles, ankle strap sandals are not your friend. Just sayin, your stylist might hate you a little.
PS- They are not so friendly to skeeeeny girls either so don't get too offended.

Deep Thoughts by Paris Hilton (oxymoron)

Here's what Paris had to say about realizing she had feelings for her current beau:
"When I heard [Benji] make a speech about Joel and Nicole and the baby [at the couple's baby shower], I thought he was cute then. And then when I saw him with Harlow, I just realized he had a really sweet, kind heart. Then we just totally had a crush on each other, and we fell in love right away."

When the typical woman hears a speech or a toast it is usually during a wedding, special occasion and of course there is alcohol involved. Typical woman might find it adorable, dance with the best man/godfather all night to fun songs like Careless Whisper to Feeling Hot Hot Hot and eventually have a regretful one nighter.
Paris is not your typical woman. Based on one speech Benji made (the only one he ever made without cursing involved because come on there was a baby present) she fell in love right away.

Gisele Bundchen on the cover of GQ

The cover page says, "Proof that Tom Brady is the luckiest man in the world."

I have to say this bitch is pretty damn lucky herself. Have you seeeen him??
I have read GQ magazine and I was surprised to find out that it's a men's magazine. Go figure. With all the homoerotic ad's for Nautica and skin care tips I was sure this was a sister magazine for Cosmopolitan. Anywho, I'm glad they at least know who Tom Brady is.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Fuck You PETA

PETA, of course, couldn’t sit on this one. As soon they saw Jessica Simpson proudly wearing her “REAL GIRLS EAT MEATshirt, they fired back!
PETA listed the top 5 reasons why only stupid girls brag about eating meat. Here are two of them:
– Meat increases the risk of breast cancer. A 2007 study of 35,000 women published in the British Journal of Cancer found that women who ate meat were far more likely to develop breast cancer than women who consumed none. Will Jessica’s next t-shirt will say, “Real Girls Smoke 3 Packs a Day”? (

If you eat huge amounts of meat it is unhealthy.. The same way if you don't run your ass around the block a few times is unhealthy. But, comparing a girl that eats chicken and a steak every once in a while, to someone that smokes 3 packs of cigarettes a day is inflating the truth just a bit.
As a matter of fact,where did you get that shirt Jess? I feel the exact same way. All this PC, go green bullshit. I'll recycle, I don't smoke, I will not call members of PETA a bunch of tree huggin hippy crap (oops) but the only way I am going to get through all of that is with a nice t-bone steak.

Jokes on you

A little bit country and a little bit rock and roll: that's how the Olsen twins spent their 22nd birthday in Manchester, Tennessee. (

Do you guys remember how you were salivating for these two to turn 18? This is what you get for over sexualizing Michelle Tanner by the time she was 12. Two rich hippies with eating disorders that wear their clothing four times bigger than their teensy weensy shoulders can handle. I hope you're happy perverts. Leave Shilo alone...

Me too Oprah, me too

"I like money. It's good for buying things. What you want is money with meaning. Meaning is what brings real richness to your life."

Money with meaning? Meaning money brings meaning or doing something with meaning brings money?
Oprah has this thing she calls O's favorite things. On this list are little trinkets we can all enjoy like the SAMSUNG PROGRESSIVE HD CAMCORDER SC-HMX10C. It goes for $800 very meaningful dollars. Oh and who could be without their UGG® AUSTRALIA CLASSIC CROCHET TALL BOOT. These are a bargain at $120. They are also hideous and not good for every climate.
My point is....well I don't have one. I would like Oprah to adopt me and take pictures of me wearing those ugly boots with her rediculously expensive camera and make it her Christmas Card. "This is Marissa, the new edition to our family! Stedman and I found her on the street at the hot dog vendor can you believe that?!"


She went through more than her share. After Anthony left, she found herself barely able to get out of bed. “You go through hell,” she says, her blue eyes soft. “I cried until there were no tears left - until I was numb. I didn’t want to eat; I didn’t care to get dressed or take a shower. I just wanted to like there.” But after a few months, she got a wake up call from another man in her life. “One day Cristian walked in and said ‘You’re crying again?’ I felt embarassed that they saw their mother being weak. I woke up. I realized I’d been crying for all the wrong reasons.”
[From People Magazine, print edition, June 23, 2008]

I used to love Marc Anthony. Loooove him. Even though he looked like a sickly duckling, I adored him. He was so romantic, his music was so passionate....silly me to actually think that romance and passion were aimed at the mother of his children. One of them was 3 months old at the time....pig.
I could not look at a picture of him without feeling disgusted. Listening to his music was grating to my ears. When I saw him singing a song he had written for his wife (she was in the video and everything) up into the balcony to his new big booty girl.... I became physically ill.
Well, if Dayanara forgives him I guess I won't feel guilty anymore about enjoying On the 6.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Who are these guys?

Can somebody tell me who The Jonas Brothers are? Are they really brothers? Why do they wear ascots? Where did they come from? I only see pictures of them but they don't look anything like Hanson which was the last brother/boy band group I remember. I don't know any of their songs, mainly because I don't enjoy terrible music. I really have no idea who these guys are. Great hair though boys, seriously. Your look is so natural it looks like you don't spend any time on it at all.

Twisted, twisted,twisted....

As part of their closing argument today, prosecutors replayed the 27-minute video, which they allege features Kelly having intercourse with—and then urinating on—a girl who was only 13 or 14 years old at the time.
Kelly is "directing her to dance, where to stand, when to stop urinating," Assistant State's Attorney Robert Heilengoetter told the jury as the video played.

At this point we all know about him urinating on her. But, to add to the humiliation he was giving her choreography? "Ok, stand here, give me jazz hands, now pee for daddy! Stop! Now stand over here, step ball change,step ball change, Peeeee, now stop! Now moon walk over here, yes right over my face and just let it go!" 27 minutes of this? They're going to make this into a musical, I just know it. Some twisted version of Singing In The Rain.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Is this true?

A girl at my job said her boyfriend was complaining that he got wet today due to the heavy rainfall. She offered to buy him an umbrella for Father's Day. He said men don't use umbrella's, that's a woman thing. True story.

I told her to buy the umbrella anyways. That way the next time he walks in soaking wet and complaining about it she can beat him upside the head with it.

Deep Thoughts By Tila Tequila

She told Us Weekly, "It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

Really? Really? You really think that your sluts gone wild antics have made an impact on how the world views gay relationships? I am in awe of this sense of delusion. How can you not be conscious of your own vapid brain waves? Reading that quote makes me want to bash her mammoth head to a bloody pulp.
Let's break it down:
"Everyone was a little apprehensive". When she says everyone, does she mean that Congress was watching her show and she actually swayed their views on same sex relationships? Anyone that watched it watched it for the same reason, booby on booby action.

"Then they realized wow everyone is really into this stuff and it is fine." What stuff? Gay stuff? Yes, the Bible Belt feels fine about gay stuff. That is not thanks to you though. You can thank the boys from Queer Eye for that.

"Next thing you know gay marriage is legal." Bitch please. You have made a mockery of what it is to be a lesbian, gay, bisexual, whatever it is that you claim to be. That is like saying Jenna Jameson has been part of "the movement." God, I just want to slap the snot....

Look I am not a member of the Cunningham or the Brady families, but between this insipid streetwalker, Bret Michaels, Flavor Flav, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Temptation Island.....I am sure this world is going to implode if we depend on the gene pool coming up after us. They will be like tadpoles that fell asleep under a microwave, for a very long time.
Which means the coming generations will go back to being cavemen and we will start all over. And that will be a great day.

Now this is funny

“John is good in bed,” a pal of the 30-year old singer-songwriter tells OK!. “Not just good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I’m not sure what exactly he does in bed, but after girls sleep with him, they’re ruined. They get totally hung up on him and want more! Whatever John’s secret is, he should market it. He could retire from the music industry.”

It's not that I don't believe that John Mayer is a hellcat in the sack....I totally do. That song Your Body Is A Wonderland is much filthier than any soft guitar should accompany. But this seems like a direct plug by John's PR people to get him to "plug" more babes if you will.
Double standard. I will do the world the favor and say it.....WHORE! I don't really mean that John.....but that whole bubblegum tounge thing makes you kind of a girl.

I feel you Chris

Despite it all, Martin can’t stop feeling like an underdog. “You’ve got to be hungry,” he says. “If your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you’d want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?”
(Rolling Stone Magazine)

I understand how he feels. My current honey's ex was a cheerleader. A hot one. Hot enough to be in a bikini on a calendar. That was fun for me. I can imagine Chris Martin watching that scene in Fight Club with a shirtless Brad Pitt and weeping. Rocking himself and weeping. Good times...

Show off

Eva is not pregnant," her stylist Robert Verdi told PEOPLE during a viewing party for his new show, She's Got the Look. And Verdi insists he has first-hand knowledge. "I'm not her gynecologist, but I am her stylist," he explained. "I see her naked. I see her boobs! That's the first place it would show, and it's not showing!"

Boastfal son of a bitch...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

People who should be drawn and quartered

1. Dr. Phil- I don't really need to explain this one do I?

2. Mariah- You know of my beef with Mariah. Having a mature sense of her own sensuality is not on her to do list....there's so much pink out there to wear.

3. Diddy- Somebody really needs to put a muzzle on him because he is constantly saying something stupid that tops the previous stupid thing he just said.

4. All those celebrity fragrances. You shouldn't get one just because your parents gave you a first name.

5. Posh Spice, no I'm just kidding. I love her.

6. People who never exercise, then all of a sudden get on a healthkick for two weeks and are talking about cardio and boiled fish and BMI crap. I really admire your dedication. I have kept off almost 60lbs for over 10 years with a moderately healthy lifestyle and working out at least 4 times a week. Talk to me then. I will be drinking a Grey Goose Tonic looking fabulous.

7. People with no inner monologue. I work with people like that everyday and I don't even know who is talking to me anymore. It makes me not pay attention.

8. I have mentioned unattractive rappers that are delusional and think they are very attractive.

9. T- Pain. You are everything that is wrong in the world. Cut your hair.

10. People that claim to hate gay people but somehow they end up always talking about gay people. What is that about? Watch Brokeback Mountain and dont' get a little bit of a tingle and then I might believe you are not gay.

He's gonna be pist....

A Chinese baby boy born with an extra penis on his back spent three hours in surgery this past weekend to have the extra, uhm, member, removed. (

I know one thing about men and that is that they love their penises, schlongs, members, love sausage whatever you boys call your love rocket....that's what I call it love rocket. If they had an extra one they would be thrilled! This baby is going to grow up and when they tell him that he had an extra penis on his back he is going to be like "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAD AN EXTRA PENIS AND YOU HAD IT REMOVED?! I COULD HAVE OFFERED THE LADIES PIGGY BACK RIDES AND SAID TAKE A RIDE ON THE LOVE ROCKET!"
He is going to feel slighted....and very sad.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Just a question....

1.How does Amy Winehouse put that beehive on her head everyday a long with the Cleopatra eyeliner if she is so banged up? It just seem like a lot of work to do while you're on crack.

2. Why does this city keep ruining my view with more condo skyrises? My view of the water? Gone! My view of the city? Gone! Stop it fuckers, nobody lives in any of them.

3. When DID it become ok to chew on a toothpick in public? Just floss your teeth and do it right.

4. There's a lot of songs about lollipop's out this month. Being sung by, sorry, rapped by men that shouldn't have mouths for anything but eating. Eww.

5. Why does everybody look alike? You put Hillary, Jessica, Carrie, Heidi, Hayden, that chick from The Hills....I don't remember. Put em in a line up, can't tell em' apart.

6. Why are those ugly 80's sunglasses coming back in style? It's painful.

7. Where are you Q- Tip?

8. Why do rappers walk in slow motion in videos?

9. Why do the girls in the videos look at them like they are Adonis or L L even? You're not. You're paid, you are so not sexy.

10. When are they going to make the consistency of the gum in Blow Pop's actually chewable?

Director of Oscar Nominated Film, Atonement, Calls Off Engagement To Former Bond Girl

Rosamund Pike and her film director fiance Joe Wright had been suddenly called off.
It appears that Wright put an end to the September nuptials after 29-year-old former Bond girl Ros sent out hundreds of wedding invitations without his approval.
‘The invitations featured a picture of them together in a hot tub,’ says a pal.
‘Joe dumped her for sending them without consulting him and she had to tell all the guests the wedding was off.’ Daily Mail

He must have looked really fat in those pictures. I mean like really, really fat.

This kind of shit hurts my feelings

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt made $3 million in 2 years. (Huffington Post)

I am aiding and abetting to this two headed monstrosity. I will just say that well, I'm jealous. I'm "hating" whatever it is that the kids call it these days.
These two have found a way to whore themselves out and make a fortune. I am at the point that I am seriously considering pulling a card from Demi Moore's deck and pull an Indecent Proposal. I just want to see what one of the older gents at my job would offer up for a night with lil' ol' me just so I can scrape up enough money to move out.
I don't really have much more to add than that, I think I will go throw up and cry now.

So that's how you wanna play What's Your Face...

So long P. Diddy, Diddy, Sean John, and Puffy.
Sean Combs has started using his Puff Daddy namesake again – over a decade after he achieved stardom with the moniker.
“They call me Puff Daddy… he’s back,” the mogul raps on the remix of O’Neal McKnight’s single “Check Your Coat.” (McKnight is Combs’ former stylist.)
“Yeah you heard me right – I said Puff Daddy,” he continues. “I’m about to back on that Puff Daddy sh*t.”
Combs also posted on his MySpace page: “This is your boy Puff Daddy!!! Yes Puff Daddy.”

Does anybody really give a crap what this sunglasses at night, shiny suit wearin', ruined Danity Kane's album with your lame ass ad lib, spoken word whatever it is that you call it, calls himself? Seriously you egomaniacal son of a bitch, let the girls sing and shut the hell up. The best thing you did in years was that Jay-Z song for American Gangster because well, you're not on it with the "EH EH'S, TAKE THAT'S, or even a WOOHH!" Thank you Jigga, I know you weren't havin that. See, Jay Z has 47 names and he doesn't have a damn press conference everytime he feels the need to refer to himself in the third person. Which he does, often. Ok, I got off topic. Diddy, Daddy, Puffy, Pissy, Princess Buttercup (that suits you pretty well ya' pansy) whatever you are calling yourself these days.....we don't care.
PS- I hope you fall on your face and choke on your toothpick. It's not an accessory, it's gross.
PPS- I don't mean I want you to die, I hope someone is there to revive you, I would just really like if you stopped with the toothpick.
PPS- To Danity Kane, I not so secretly love you. Even the hideous outfits

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Aww, somebody needs some Chunky Monkey

Karina Smirnoff and Mario Lopez have called it quits, Smirnoff’s rep confirms to PEOPLE.

“Karina has parted ways with her two year relationship with Mario Lopez,” says Smirnoff’s spokesperson. “The relationship wasn’t heading in the right direction.”

Lopez issued the following statement through his rep: “Karina and I have the utmost respect for each other. She is a phenomenal and talented woman. I support her always and feel blessed to have her in my life.”

This is the problem with what magazines consider high profile relationships. You have to give a statement through a spokesperson. Then one of you has to say "we ramain the closest of friends, we have the utmost respect for eachother." You know the lip service. Why all the pomp and circumstance over two people breaking up who got together doing the cha cha? They are not heads of state announcing the bombing of a small but dangerous country. It's Slater and....that girl from that show that my sister makes me watch.

A woman that goes by the nickname Superhead is having troule in her current relationship? No way!

“It’s Karrine. U have to help me. My boyfriend just tried to run over me with his car. [I] Just made a police report. In August, he placed me in a choke hold at a strip club on my birthday. There’s a report and photos of that. There was another choking I never reported but is now being investigated. I lied to the city attny to save his ass but I’m DONE. He’ll kill me if I go on with this. YES…Eddie Winslow from Family Matters! I have to give you this story. Pls!”
Wow. That is some very serious stuff.
Thankfully the police are looking into it and the allegations against Darius McCrary.

OK, so this whore text messages Perez at like 5am to ask him for his help becasuse the guy that was in Family Matters is beating her? Unless it is actually Steve Urkel laying a beatdown on you, I don't think Perez can come to your rescue. He is not the manliest of men is the rumor.
This chick has been passed around more than....more than? I don't even have a comparison. She's been passed around a lot ok? Maybe Superhead had some Supercock stuck in her Super throat that did not belong to "Eddie Winslow from Family Matters." She says it so proudly like is "Yes, Brad Pitt from Fight Club!" Now if he was beating me, I would take it like a woman and figure I deserved it

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

My mission is clear

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get together for another photo shoot at Disneyland theme park on Tuesday in Anaheim, Calif.Speidi was also seen wearing a variety of Disney-themed hats like bride and groom Mickey Mouse hats, sorcerer hats, Minnie Mouse hats, pirate hats, Goofy ears and Pluto ears. And what a nice couple they are–Heidi and Spencer also posed for photos with fans. (

I don't know who you are, where you came from but I know you have to die and I have to be the one in charge of annihilating you. I had an epiphany looking at these pictures. These two spawn of Hitler's wet dream must die by my hands. I will look down at my blood soaked hands and there will be the cheap extensions I ripped out, the capped teeth I bashed out. I will feel victorious as I end your reign of terror.

If it was even possible I love George Lucas even more now

Who knew that the 27 year-old daughter of Star Wars creator George Lucas could fight?

Amanda Lucas, who has been featured in three of daddy's Star Wars films, debuted her mixed martial art skills last night at the Princesses of Pain event at the Auckland Boxing Association Stadium in Auckland, New Zealand.

Amanda fought against Kiwi kickboxer Nicole Kavanagh while the event was being filmed.

The footage will end up on a new reality TV show featuring a women's international fight league.

She had also received years of training in Brazilian ju-jitsu, Muay Thai and kickboxing.

(Sunday News).

I love you George Lucas. I love you because you have brought me years of enjoyment through every single one of your films, even the ones you directed personally and poorly. I love you because you have the greatest hair on the planet, seriously his hair line starts in the middle of his forehead. I love you because you wear silly flannel shirts all the time. I love you because you love us. I love you because you made Yoda talk backwards yet made him the wisest of all the Jedi. But now, now I just want to marry you. I want to marry you because you have created this. A respectable female fighter that doesn't mind getting her face busted. If there is really a baby Jesus close friends we will be...

God, this bitch is still annoying

Sarah Larson is "moving forward" after her recent split from George Clooney, a friend of the model's tells PEOPLE. "Your whole life changes overnight, but she maintained that down-to-earth [quality]. She as a person never changed – she would say, 'Yes, I'm dating George, but I want to be known for Sarah."

Oh for fuck's sakes Sarah zip it! Yeah she maintained that down to earth quality. So, she quit her job as a waitress and is now in couture from head to toe. You won! Nobody gets that much after a break up. " I want to be known for Sarah." OK, we now know you as the whiny bitch that gets media attention for getting dumped by George Clooney. Nobody gives a shit about your breakup. Eat some Ben and Jerry's, get shit faced, have a one night stand with Vince Vaughn (that seems to work)and hold your head high while you do the walk of shame (in Prada). Stop ya' moaning. God, that is so unappealing... no wonder he broke up with you. OK, Ok...calm down Sarah. Calm down. You want me to get you some Chunky Monkey? OK sweety, let's go get you some Chunky Monkey. By Chunky Monkey I mean Vince.

Deep thoughts by Megan Fox

“I really enjoy having sex, and that’s offensive to some people. Women are the quickest to call other women sluts, which I think is sad. I haven’t met a lot of men who have said, ‘You like having sex? What a dirty whore you are.’ I’m young and have a lot of hormones—I’m always in the mood! But I like sex with one person when I’m in a relationship. Sex with random people who I’ve met at clubs is not really my thing. I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I’d rather have sex with Brian [Austin Green] all the time than leave the house. He doesn’t mind.” (FHM Magazine)

To which James Lipton replied...."You are a truly a grande dame in a sea of excrement."
Ooooh you are such a baaad girl Megan. Just say what you mean, that you like it in the pooper. Don't get offended when James Lipton asks you that either because you leave yourself open to questions like that when you tell a men's magazine such intimate details.
FHM, truly stands by it's name, For Him Magazine. They take anything the sexy girl of the moment said and make it slutty. They put a headline "I prefer to be naked". They fail to mention the rest of the sentence which was "I prefer to be naked while I am in the shower." If any of you read the articles you know this to be true.
I don't blame FHM for Megan's statements. But, she is a big girl and nobody would find the fact that she really enjoys having sex offensive. She is not Miley Cyrus and your fans expect you to be chaste and wear a promise ring to your father.(Really how creepy is that?) What I find offensive is she is claiming to have the libido of a 15 year old boy. She has a tattoo of said lovers' name on her 15 year old boy naughty bits. It is illegal for 15 year old boy vaginas to get tattos. Furthermore, Brian Austin Green should be arrested for having sex with a 15 year old boys vagina.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Things I Miss....

1. Alicia Keys' braids.
2. Filling up my gas tank with $30.
3. First kisses.
4. Watching the L Word with my friends before we all split up because we were living in the L World.
5. Good cartoons.
6. Waking and baking.
7. Wearing a uniform everyday. Having to plan outfits is a pain in the ass.
8. Drinking full caloried Heineken without any regrets.
9. Road trips.
10. Lulu.
11. Strangely, being sad enough to write in my journal.
12. Ergo, pen and paper.
13. Goood hip hop. None of this Superman, Umma Do Me crap.
14. The Hanker for a Hunk a' Cheese Guy. Remember that guy? Oh and the guy that showed you how to make frozen OJ in the ice cube trays with toothpicks. Genius.
15. Calvin and Hobbes
I'm sure I will think of more...

This is a cruel joke from Satan

Kevin Federline is the new father of the year!
Just in time for Father's Day, Prive Las Vegas will award the proud papa of four his "father of the year" status at a party he is slated to host there June 13.
Sources tell PEOPLE he will be awarded the title during a presentation at the club.

Sin City is awarding K Fed an award for father of the year. They are presenting him with this award at a club. I imagine the club is 21 and over and his children will not be allowed to share this special occasion.
So, K Fed does the unthinkable and bangs Britney Spears at her prime, in her PRIME. Brave man. Gets her pregnant not once but TWICE!. Ka-ching....just fuckin ka-ching! Has no determinable income, unless you count being the man who impregnated Britney Spears with the most potent sperm on the planet. He was her right hand man during her downward spiral into "what is she going to do next" town. And now because he....what did he do? He got an attorney, a couple nannies, a house that she is paying for, he is heralded as some Hero Amongst Men? His ex wife, the mother of two of his four children, is going through a mental breakdown of biblical proportions....and oh dear Kevin swept in to save the day. Bless his heart.
Remember, it is very easy to shine like a diamond only in comparison to what some people would say is a piece of shit.
Accepting this award in Sin City is very appropriate. There is a special place in hell for people like you.

I believe you

“I’m still sober!” she announced to me, two hours after being sprung from a night in jail, rumpled but far more rested and relaxed than I might look after a warm shower and heavy doses of caffeine. “Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me!” Tatum crowed. “I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct.”
[From the New York Post]

You know what? I believe it. I believe she was sober, is sober whatever. I mean look at her! The woman is 45 years old, was a major drug addict and alcoholic by the age of 18 and for most of her life. All of that andshe still manages to look better than Amy, Lindsay or Britney. Maybe the alcohol preserved her or something.

Cameron laughs and laughs

Cameron Diaz capped off a weekend filled with dancing and flirting by having dinner with model Paul Sculfor who briefly dated Jennifer Aniston last year.

"They looked really flirty," says a source of the pair's dinner at Santa Monica's Il Ristorante di Giorgio Baldi on Sunday night, "She was laughing really loud at all of his jokes. It looked like a date.Originally posted Tuesday June 03, 2008 08:55 AM EDT. (

All magazines say the same thing. "They looked really flirty, they were definetly on a date, their eyes were locked on eachother." This caught my attention because they make a point to say how Cameron was laughing really loud. Cameron is always laughing really loud, at everything, at anyone, at herself, at you, at me. With a pie hole that size it is impossible to give a lady like giggle.

Oh Tyra...

According to the New York Times, the article “goes inside the world of Tyra Banks - ex-cover girl, ex-Victoria’s Secret model and the reigning star of two popular TV shows, ‘America’s Next Top Model’ and ‘The Tyra Banks Show’ - learn how the 34-year old entrepreneur turned herself into a brand.”

“I think I was put on this earth to instill self-esteem in young girls,” says Tyra.

I don't know how Tyra Tanks formed this sentence. When I was a young girl I stumbled upon Tyra on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. I was drawn to it, not because she automatically built up my self esteem or even because she was so attractive but because the magazine was right under the candy bars. I picked it up and there she was, half nekkid and making love to the camera. I leafed through the rest of the magazine where every model was more beautiful than the next. Needless to say I threw up the candy bar and have been posing donning a cowboy hat, spread eagle on fences ever since. No Tyra, I have not. Those years you were strutting your stuff you made me wonder is this woman even real? How is this possible? I still have nightmares to this day thanks to you and your impossibly huge breasts and tiny waist. What about my self esteem Tyra?

Monday, June 2, 2008

Lohan and OK! are in talks to do a cover where Lohan “comes out” about her relationship with gal pal Samantha Ronson, and the mag has offered her “around $1 million to do the cover.” One source said, “Lindsay really wants this to happen and she needs the money.” Lohan’s rep denies there’s a deal, however, saying, “They sent offers and we passed.” (Source)


Dear bimbo and douchebag,

(Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen respectively.)
Please be quiet. Is it really that difficult to have at least 1/2 of this equation of love be silent for a week? Whatever has happened is done. He liked hookers and drugs, you boned your friends husband and played the absolute worst Bond Girl ever Christmas Jones. Obviously you have both done some pretty reprehensible stuff. This bickering would have been fine a few years ago, but today you have much more to think of. Your children. They are always going to be BOTH OF YOUR DAUGHTERS. Yeah daughters, you don't want them growing up with daddy issues do you Denise?
Breaking up in Hollywood, you have a choice. You can go to through every single media alternative you have from the Larry King Show to your own reality show (nice one Denise, real classy), or you can take the high road. If you don't know where the high road is, because let's face it in Hollywood it must be hard to find, just follow in the footsteps of Nicole Kidman after her breakup with Tom. Uma Thurman after her breakup with Ethan. Bruce Willis after Demi hooked up with Ashton Kutcher. The word is dignity. Those venemous words are there forever. They will never make us respect you or take your side. For every interview you give, remember your daughters will eventually be old enough to know that mommy and daddy despise eachother, a long with everyone else on the planet.

That's a rap!

Bad boy rapper T.I., 27, is turning his legal woes into–surprise, surprise–a reality TV series for MTV, his rep has confirmed to PEOPLE.

The as-of-yet untitled eight-episode series, which has already begun filming but has no airdate yet, will chronicle the star’s daily life as he completes more than 1,000 hours of community service before reporting to jail in March 2009 to serve a year-long sentence on weapons charges, his rep told PEOPLE.

OK, this is just pathetic. What is going to make T.I.'s community hours more enjoyable to watch than your average criminal's community hours. Unless be plans on "dazzling me with his talent". Oh my God wait, that made me chuckle a little. We all know he has no talent. You are not supposed to get paid for community hours, they are a punishment for doing something bad. T.I. has turned this around and will now in a way be getting paid for his. This does not seem fair to those of us who have been forced community hours. I don't know how many of you would have found my Hands For Helping Community Service helpful at all. Somehow, the children in the daycare didn't understand my humor. One of them looked exactly like Damien from The Omen. I was telling them about the story of the Son of the Devil being born from a jackal.....they all started crying. I said there was a doggie in it, but it didn't help.