Thursday, April 30, 2009

Details On Chris Brown and The Murder Scene, I Mean Crime Scene

Chris Browns attorney was in court this morning attempting to have the case against his client thrown out because details have been leaked to the public. Details such as, “he punched her in the left eye with his right hand (then) continued to punch her. The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.” His attorney said…
“Leaks can form the basis for a motion to dismiss the case in regard to outrageous governmental misconduct.” (

Those pesky details like the fact that he punched her in the face and then continued to punch her in the face until her mouth was full of blood might have people form a perception of your demeanor that night. It would be great if that bitch would have just kept quiet, none of this would have happened. Asshole..

I Was On The Fence Until She Told Me This

Lady Gaga, who I am pretty sure is a man, has this to say about her luck with men:
"I am totally confident that I am an incredible artist and performer. I am extremely confident about my body, the way I dress, the way I want to look. But I have no confidence when it comes to men. Men are a disaster area for me. It’s so weird because I believe I am super sexy. I believe I am incredible, but I have absolutely no luck with boyfriends."(

Wow. This is one confident bitch. With this attitude how can she not get a man? I have been trying to figure out for weeks whether she is attractive or not so I am glad she cleared that up. I had decided that she is not attractive in the classic sense of beauty because she has to do all of those theatrics to get attention. Theatrics as in comical make up and walking around holding a teacup. But, now that she said that she is "super sexy"....

Monday, April 27, 2009

Just Too Good Had To Add More...

More Dorothy Quotes:

[Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle] Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men. Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche? Blanche: Well there must be homosexuals who date women. Sophia: Yeah. They're called lesbians.

Dorothy: It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.

Dorothy: It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.

Dorothy: [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

[In a darkened movie theatre] Rose: I wonder what kind of movie this is... [Off-camera sounds of woman screaming in horror and roaring chainsaw] Dorothy: It's a musical, Rose.

Bea Arthur Dead at 86

Beatrice Arthur, an icon of ’70s TV as the star of Maude, and then one of the staples of ’80s TV as one of the leads in The Golden Girls, has died at age 86, according to an Associated Press report. A family spokesman told AP the Emmy and Tony Award winner had cancer, and died peacefully at her home in Los Angeles. (

My beloved Dorothy. The Carrie Version of The Golden Girls was full of wisdom on Maude (and then there's Maude!) I love that show. But she was classic on The Golden Girls. Here are a few lil' nugget's of her wisdom.

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question? Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.

Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me? Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age. Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you.

Dorothy: Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant? Blanche: I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here. Rose: It looks like a perfume sample. Dorothy: Put it behind your ears, Rose.

Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am. Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Like I have said before, I love me some Barack. These past couple of weeks I have seen him extend a hand to some people who are on my list of evil men and frankly it took me by surprise. Chavez (demi-god) and Castro(Highlander), especially Castro are part of my genetic makeup of people I was predispositioned to hate. Much like Paris Hilton, but without the posing and ugly dresses. People I categorize as evil. Then I remembered this:
In his inaugural address, he said: "To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Vampires Cavorting With Humans....again

He’s the hottest young male star in Hollywood - and now Robert Pattinson is caught between two of his pretty costars! While Rob, 22, is sinking his teeth into playing vampire Edward Cullen in New Moon, the upcoming sequel to the megahit Twilight, the real drama is raging off set between Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed!
“The girls are competing for Rob’s attention,” a source tells Star. “Kristen and Nikki both like him, and it’s getting ugly. They’re headed for a major showdown!” (

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? It's 2009 people. He's fucking both of them at the same time and it is consensual and all good. I would happily share him. Well, not happily but I would share. Besides, the story had been from months ago that Nikki and Kirsten were the ones originally hooking up. These crazy kids today. Here's the proof: For all the pervs there is an actual kiss at the end.
Just look at their chemistry, never mind the awful song.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Pamela Anderson Like Cows

Peta's main hooker, Pamela Anderson, has been booked to bring her skankness to the opening of a strip club in NYC. A strip club that is also a steakhouse. A steakhouse serves meat. Meat comes from slaughtered cows. Pamela claims to get sad in the face when a cow gets it. (

Doesn't she wear synthetic shoes (ugly shoes) not to wear leather? She has been a vegetarian and has posed nude for PETA even when they begged her not to in order to get her message out? "Look at my vagina! Meat is murder!"

WTF? Gross..

Yawwwn! Sorry a new reality dating show called "The Cougar", guess what it's about has a very interesting way of saying goodbye to contestants.
Vivica Fox announces to the group of dicktards that if "The Cougar" gives them her lips, they are safe, if she gives them her cheek, they have to go home. (

First of all, what happened to Vivica Fox?
Second, what kind of way is that to tell someone they are special? You kiss 12 guys in a row? Fuckin' gross! I mean even Flava Flav' gave his hoe's a big ass clock? Does that imply that older women take a first kiss not as seriously as a young woman? Have you seen Girls Gone Wild? Does a kiss on the cheek imply "bye grandma?' Gross. They could have given lockets or hard candies or something much more sanitary than that.

New Moon

"It's very subtle and actually quite scary becasue Bella is really going a little bit nuts. " Robert Pattinson says of his acting method for the next Twilight movie. (

I don't care what you do pal, but you better make it good. You better look good too. We all hate you a little bit in this one

Douche Off? LOL!!!

Douche-Off: (Noun) An event in which two or more people compete for douche-bag supremacy.
Spencer Pratt must have been jealous, what with Ashton Kutcher hogging up all of the universe's douchiness last week with that twitter contest of his. So naturally, Spencer is doing the most logical thing and challenging Kelso to a twitter contest of his own. (

They came up with douche off, not me. I wish I could come up with something as brilliant as that. But, congratulations Spencer you already won that contest months ago

Old News

Former Playmate and Girl Next Door Kendra Wilson has this to say about posing nude:
Out of respect for Baskett, she's not going to be posing as she once did in Playboy – nude. Says Wilkinson: "He gets really mad when I do stuff like that." (

We have all seen your snatch sweety. Several hundred times. Thanks for putting it away

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Zac Efron....hello

I am glad to know that for me personally it took you turning 20 before I officially started salivating over you. You and your, dare I say hotness? Whoo...
Wow, yeah I am glad I never watched High School Musical because that would have made me super pervy. I did see you in Hairspray and though I thought you were cute, I had not noticed this at all. So yes, I officially take back anything I ever said about you in the past. I will say this, please break up with your girlfriend. There is way too much prime trim about to come your way and you will only leave a trail of tears. This goes for her as well though, she will only regret not having ventured. I am looking out for the both of you crazy kids. But, really I am just looking at you....meow!

Less Than 24 Hours Later....

Jamie Foxx realizes his fop aw
“I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don’t mean any of it,” he tried to explain to Jay. “And sometimes, as comedians, as we do, we go a little bit too far… There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn’t mean it maliciously.” (

Hmm, he didn't mean it maliciously? Ripping a 16 year old girl was simply in jest? Ok I've done it too so...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Things I Am Sick Of...

Lindsay psycho watch. Hasn't she been crazy for a while now?

Brad and Angelina break up rumors, pregnancy rumors, adoption rumors. Who knows the truth? They do, that's it.

People feeling sorry for Jennifer Aniston. As I have mentioned it before, I am sure she is just fine.

Movies about psycho women taking men away from their wives. I have seen this story from Fatal Attraction, Hand That Rocks The Cradle, Crush, Swimfan and now the new one with Beyonce, Obsessed. But she gets all mad so I might have to see it.

Moments on film when the character should totally not be wearing fresh lipgloss. It is completely unbelievable that you are being held hostage and you have shiny lips. I'm talking to you Eliza Dushku, or however you spell your name.

Remakes. They are remaking Fame. You can't just remake the movie Fame. Who is going to be Tyrone? It's just impossible.

Ryan Seacrest. I am pretty sure the only vagina that guy has ever seen was his mother's and his own.

People at work that say that say things like "We should...." when they really mean "You, should..."

Jamie Foxx Talks Out of His Ass

Jamie Foxx had some not-so-nice words for Miley Cyrus during his weekend Sirius radio show “The Foxxhole,” judging by a audio posted on YouTube and heard below.
During a discussion criticizing Miley, 16, for being upset at not getting to meet Radiohead backstage at the Grammys, Foxx, 41, told her to get a gum transplant and to “make a sex tape and grow up… Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin… get some crack in your pipe… Catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat.”
Someone else is heard calling her a “white bitch.” (

I will ask the obvious question....Why the fuck does Jamie Foxx have a radio talk show? I find Miley as annoying as I find any 16 year old but if in his mind growing up means making a sex tape and getting some crack in here pipe then I wonder what advice he gives his own teenage daughter. Any man in his 40's referring to a young woman's sex life is disgusting, which he obviously is.
I give it about 72 hours before the apology...

Pick The Correct One and You Win a Prize!

This story was titled three ways. Which one is correct?

a)Polar Bear Attacks Woman

b)Woman Rescued From Polar Bears

c)Woman Jumps In Polar Bear Pool, Gets Bitten

Let's take into consideration that this took place at the Berlin zoo, not in wild where polar bears run free and attack humans. If you guessed C, you are correct!

The woman, who has not been identified, climbed down a fence, over a wide hedge full of thorns and got past a concrete wall before swan diving into the murky moat where the polar bears swim.One of four bears in the enclosure bit the woman's arms, legs and back before keepers rescued her out with a life preserver. (

When are people going to stop messing with animals that are cute from a safe, reasonable distance? Like a fence? Concrete wall? Moat? If the animal you want to hug is surrounded by one or all three of these, it may be best to purchase the plushy version available in the gift shop.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Queen of Porn Marilyn Chambers Dead At the Age of 56

LOS ANGELES — Marilyn Chambers, the pretty Ivory Snow soap girl who helped bring hard-core adult films into the mainstream consciousness when she starred in the explicit 1972 movie "Behind the Green Door," has died at 56.(

She was a pioneer. She was the first to completly shave her beaver for a movie and was the only "actress" that could give John Holmes a deep throat bj. If you don't know who any of these people are, I am sorry and if you don't know what I am talking about regarding the deep throat bj I am even sorrier.
These are true facts by the way...

Mel Gibson's Wife Files For Divorce.

Mel Gibson’s wife Robyn has filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage.In the papers — signed Apr. 9 — she cites “irreconcilable differences.”
“Throughout our marriage and separation we have always strived to maintain the privacy and integrity of our family and will continue to do so,” a rep for Gibson, 53, tells in a statement.
TMZ alleges that “there is no prenuptial agreement” based on source reporting. In 2006, Gibson’s fortune was estimated at $900 million. Under California law, community property — which includes earnings — is divided 50/50. (

Let's see, 50% of $900 million sounds just about what putting up with 28 years of alcoholism, anti -semitist rants, and flagrant affairs. Yeah, that's pretty much Even Steven. Not really but they were both very young when they got married and he was unbelievably hhhh-ot. Saw Mad Max the other day, wsa reminded of the Mel of yesteryear.

Now That We Are On The Movie Topic

Here is the preview for the sequel to Transformers:

For those of you not interested in watching it, let me walk you through it. A fireball comes shooting out of the sky and ruins Paris. They also do this in the trailer for the G. I. Joe movie coming out this summer. No wonder the French hate us.
Then we head on over to some other building where something else goes "ptew ptew", more fireballs and metal turning into some type of robotic kitty cat that is running across the desert. I wonder if the robot kitty is a nice robot kitty? I hope so. Then Megan Fox covers her face in horror! More fire, more destruction which I imagine is caused by both the Autobots and Deceptecons because the only way they can get here is by a meteoric fall into our atmosphere that fucks up the entire neighborhood which would end up costing the city about as much as it cost to make this damn movie.

Get It Together Daria...

There is a new movie coming out. It may be the greatest movie of all time. Why is that? Well it is because it has Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in it. I don't even care that Michael Mann is directing it and it is about famous bank robber John Dillinger.Well, I do care but the main thing is it has Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in it. This is a blessing. It's enough to make a girl believe...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Yeah, Petty Sounds About Right

Billy Bob Thorton was being interviewed and got all pissy when they mentioned his other career. You know, the whole reason his band can even tour with Willy Nelson in the first place. No, no that he was lucky enough to nail Angelina Jolie in her prime. I was talking about him being an actor.
Interviewer:Even the greatest bands in the world… part of the attention that you’re getting is because of the great career you’ve had in other ways… I’m not trying to be insulting to your musical…
BB: What I’m explaining is that we said do not talk about sh*t like that and we also said that we didn’t want to hear anything about how this is my first love. You wouldn’t say that to Tom Petty, would you? ‘I understand music is your first love.’ Well my first love was a chick named Lisa Cohen.

Yeah you are right you very lucky hillbilly I would never ask Tom Petty that, but you are no Tom Petty. You are not even a Bruce Willis that did those Seagrams Golden Wine Coolers commercials where he sang, you are not even a Don Johnson who actually had a video (a shitty one but a video nonetheless) and had a duet with Barbara Streisand (who he was banging at the time) REGARDLESS. Do not put yourself in the category of a musical genius like Tom Petty who has been making music since the very early 70's and is still a staple in modern music. Who do you think you are Kanye?
Compare yourself to that kind of crap then we can have a serious interview you thin skinned bastard.

Hell Has Indeed Frozen Over

The genius's at South Park managed to do something God, the world and everyone had given up on. Getting Kanye to shut his pie hole. This week's episode obviously hit a nerve the way it has done in the past with Tom Cruise and Scientology, the Catholic Church and well just about everyone they have made an episode about. Kanye said this on his website:


Unbelievable. Even when he is trying not to sound like a tremendous douche he insists on writing everything in caps, just so we don't miss the message. South Park creators, writers, file clerks, assistants deserve the Nobel Prize for this one. Thank you guys, this is truly a miracle during Holy Week. Which you have poked fun of too.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Michael Phelps Tearin' Up The Town!

“Michael was definitely having a good time,” an eyewitness tells us. “He was drinking straight from a bottle of Grey Goose, and when the deejay started playing M.I.A.’s ‘Paper Planes,’ he got up, started dancing like a loon and kept on yelling, ‘Shots!’”(

Thas sounds like me last weekend. Shit, every weekend!

More Kiddie Porn

Miley Cyrus says she is holier thanks to hottie Justin Gaston.
“I’ve never been closer to the Lord since I met him,” she says on The Rachel Ray Show in an interview airing Friday. “He’s really made me read my Bible. He’s made me actually read the stories in the Bible — not the quick little verses — that not only help me, but show you how to help other people.”(

He is 20 years old, fine as hell and yes I am sure he makes her SEE GOD all the time. Slut...

Ewwww, Super Creepy

Texas mother who tragically lost her 21-year-old son hopes that she will be able to raise her grandchildren after a judge granted her request to posthumously harvest sperm from his body.

Posthumously harvest sperm from her dead son's body? This sounds scary beyond Sci-Fi Channel shit. What is she going to do with it? Where is it now? Eww....

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Speaking of The Douche....

A group called Smoke Jumpers made a song called "Chris Brown Should Get His Ass Kicked".
I would dance to it. Here it is...

Uh! Yeah! And I totally agree!

This Is How You Say Sorry!

Matthew McConaughey made Carrie Underwood hot under the collar for about 5 seconds during an acceptance speech and this is what she had to say due to the fact that A: She is human and B: It's fucking Matthew McConaughey.

“I’m so embarrassed, I totally embarrassed myself. I just blanked,” Underwood told Tarts backstage, burying her head in her hands. “You want to say something eloquent in a moment like that and I embarrassed myself. I’m sorry Matthew, I’m sorry to my family. I’m totally embarrassed.” She even admitted that she “blacked out” after hearing her name called and couldn’t remember much between making it from her seat to the stage and then to the press room.(

You know Chris Brown put in a plea of Not Guilty today in court. There are pictures of the woman he beat up and he pleaded not guilty. This girl gets a little splashy over MM, (I am not spelling his name again it's a bitch), and she feels guilty. There are good people in the world after all.

Gwyneth's Fault!!!

I was wondering where her boobs went....
Scarlett Johansson has reportedly lost over 14lbs since she began working out with her Iron Man 2 co-star in preparation for the movie. A source told Star magazine: “The pair have been doing daily workouts with Gwyneth’s personal trainer TRACY ANDERSON.
“Scarlett is also staying away from carbohydrates.” The 24-year-old actress decided to diet, reportedly fearing she could lose out on the roles she wants to younger, more attractive actresses. (

24 year old Scar Jo fears losing parts to younger prettier actresses? Seriously, just put me on suicide watch right now.
Fine, she is playing a super hero and she needs to be in shape. But, if Gwyny is making the best rack in Hollywood "Gwyny Skinny" I am going to crush her with my massive carb eating thighs. Work out to be healthy kid. Boobs are sexy, that whole concave bony chest thing? Not so much.

Monday, April 6, 2009

In Her Defense...

Sigh....Brazilian Supermodel/Luckiest Woman Alive has this to say about her stepson:

"It's not like because somebody else delivered him, that's not my child," said the supermodel, 28. "I love it the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like it's my son, from the first day." That apparently didn't sit well with those in Moynahan's inner circle. A source close to the 37-year-old model-actress tells PEOPLE, "Bridget has her own life, she doesn't need to be involved in the drama of all this, and she finds it disrespectful that her son is being paraded around in front of the paparazzi when she’s specifically made it a point of keeping him away from that."

First of all if you love the baby so much, stop calling it "it", mother's do not do that. Second I am pretty sure what she is trying to say is that she loves this child as her own despite parentage. Which makes him a very lucky child. Now, what I don't understand is how a millionaire supermodel who does not even need a last name to be recognized and has been living in this country over 15 years cannot form a proper sentence when it comes to the sensitive matter of her infant stepson? She is married to.... forget it you know what? This place is just full of stupid people and I just can't today.

Blonde Moment By A Blonde

Kendra Wilkinson is preparing for marriage and independent life – and she's learning some very important life lessons as she goes. "The first time I mailed something on my own, like a couple of months ago, I didn't put a stamp on it," Wilkinson, 23, tells Celebuzz of a recent revelation. "My mom, she was like, 'Are you serious? You didn't put a stamp on your mail?' I'm like, 'Dude, I've never been on my own before, how am I supposed to know?' " (

Well, in her defense she is really young and she probably sends a lot of email and doesn't....oh forget it. She's a fucking idiot!

Pot, Meet Kettle.

Miley Cyrus isn’t a fan of Robert Pattinson.
The Hannah Montana star, 16, is adamant girls aren’t really interested in the British actor, but are obsessed with his Twilight character Edward Cullen.
She tells Teen Vogue, “I’m not a huge Rob Pattinson fan. Girls aren’t really in love with Rob; they’re in love with Edward.” (

That's funny. Didn't Miley Cyrus become famous playing music through her character Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel? So, Miley Cyrus fans are really just Hannah Montana fans? Yeah that sounds about right!

I Have Terrible Aim

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's armed bodyguards opened fire on paparazzi at the couple's nuptials in Costa Rica Saturday, blasting out the windows of a photographer's SUV, and just missing the shaken lensmen, the fotogs claimed in Sunday reports. (

I don't know how they didn't find me out, trace something back to me. That bitch needs to die. My Tommy is in grave danger. Tommy don't you see? She is poison!!! Poison coursing through your beautiful veins as we speak! Think about all the things that have gone wrong since you let that succubus into your life! Now you are married to her. My heart is weeping...

Friday, April 3, 2009

A Feel Good Story, Not The Norm I Know

I was sitting at the salon this morning getting my hair blow dried, when I saw a really pretty girl walk in. She was wearing a short jean skirt and she was so pretty in fact that I did not notice the massive scar on her knee. This girl had major reconstruction surgery on her right knee and it was badly scarred. I thought it was great that she was wearing a skirt, she didn't mind her scar.
When it was time for me to go, my battery died. Just my luck, me rushing to work, the hottest day we have had in forever, my pretty hair all blow dried. Luckily I had jumper cables and I asked if someone inside could help me. The pretty girl with the scar drove her car over to mine and popped her hood before I even knew she was there. She has an electric car so we were confused where her battery was. I started to get frustrated and she said, "well at least this way I will learn where my battery is!" True. We found it and she revved her engine and my car came back to life. As I was thanking her I could not get the hood to come down she came over to help me....again. I muttered sarcastically "this is going to be a great day." She said, "well all you needed was a jump to get on with the rest of it, how bad can it be."
So that was my sighting of an angel today....