Friday, May 30, 2008

Thank you but, no

If you've got a hankering for some multi-colored rectangle-necked 1980s sweaters or are just a big fan of 'The Cosby Show,' you can make bids to not only win some of Bill Cosby's finest wardrobe pieces, but also benefit his Hello Friend/Ennis William Cosby Foundation education charity.(

Really it's a lovely thought. I loved the Cosby Show. Especially that episode when the whole family sang Night and Day to Bill's parents for their anniversary. BAYYBEE!! BAYYYBEE! But, it's summer. And it's hot. And those sweaters are ugly. I can just donate money right?

Um, Why?

Tom Cruise Launches Official Web Site"My hope with this site is to bring you in and share with you the fun I experience every day during the filmmaking process, from working with the script, to the making of the film through to what we finally see when we settle in our seats and the lights go down," Cruise writes in a welcome letter on the site
Originally posted 05/30/2008 12:40PM (

Does anybody really care? If he is going to start a webite, I want it to be the juicy stuff. Like, can the baby fly yet? Are you aware that your smile, which was once so charming, now scares the bejesus out of us? Are you sure of what you best work is? Personally, I think Legend and Interview With A Vampire, blow Jerry Maguire and Born On The Fourth Of July Away. I'm here Tom. I'm waiting.

Men, albeit very sweet, can be so very stupid...

Sex And The City finally premieres in New York City May 30th.

OK boys, just shut what they call the fuck up please. I have read "boy blogs" rag on this movie and TV show. I have heard countless men ( my beloved included) beatbox endlessly on this topic. You know what I mean ladies. "AH, PSST, AHHH, PSST, DUMB ASS MOVIE, AHH, UGLY CHICKS, PSST, SO UNREALISTIC!" Listen Dougie Fresh, I saw Iron Man this weekend. I loved every minute of it but last time I checked, comic books are not to be mistaken for an autobiography. I am not a fan of the some of you might know if your read my stank review of Made of Honor.
But, the disdain shown for this movie is laughable. So, just to clear it up. We are not asking you to come with us. We are just telling you that we are going. We are not going to tell you about it because we know you don't care...oh and we don't care that you don't care. So think about that the next time I'm watching Entourage with you (which is your SATC by the way, you just don't know it because you never took the time to watch both), or better yet remember that when we are sitting next to you watching yet again another MMA fight. That would be tomorrow night. GO KIMBO!!
See, I care about your needs. Tell me who I have to get some reciprocity. Best use of that word ever!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

This is crap

Britney Spears has been tipped for a role on Broadway - playing Sandy in the stage version of Grease.
The singer proved her acting credentials with a highly successful stint in U.S. sitcom How I Met Your Mother and was recently linked with a move to the London stage.
Spears was reportedly in talks to star in a West End production of Tennessee Williams’ play A Streetcar Named Desire - playing the lead role of Blanche DuBois.
And now the Toxic hitmaker is once again rumoured to be considering a turn on stage - this time in hit musical Grease.
A source tells British newspaper Metro, “The producers were bouncing around the idea of casting Britney in the role of Sandy.
“They’re recasting the roles in July and they thought that Britney looked like a Sandy. She would be terrific.”
(From PR Inside)

OK, no. This stops right here. I will protest this one until my last breath. I will wear my Rydell High Letterman Sweater and sing Hopelessly Devoted To You to the rafters if this is truly in the works. Trust me nobody wants me singing anything. AND NOBODY WANTS TO SEE BRITNEY AS SANDY! God, I lost John Travolta now this...

Time to make the donuts....

Does Dunkin’ Donuts really think its customers could mistake Rachael Ray for a terrorist sympathizer? The Canton-based company has abruptly canceled an ad in which the domestic diva wears a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men. Some observers, including ultra-conservative Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin, were so incensed by the ad that there was even talk of a Dunkin’ Donuts boycott. “The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad,” Malkin yowls in her syndicated column. “Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.”

The Boston Globe

It's a scarf. It's an ugly scarf, but just a scarf nontheless. I imagine people that are causing this commotion are the media right? There is no way that a terrorist saw this and thought "Oh that Rachel Ray, she gets me. She really gets what I'm all about." No, I think that they would be much more interested in the idea of iced coffee and the wonderful creation that is the doughnut.
On another note, Krispy Kreme would never stoop to that level. Having Rachel Ray as a spokesperson I mean. I think thay have to be involved in something terrorist/like because those glazed doughnuts are PURE EVIL!

Jennifer Aniston's Ass...

I found a website that has an entire section dedicated to the perfection that is Jennifer Aniston's tush. It has been photographed in many forms. In jeans, in a bikini while doing some type of water sport, in another bikini in the Bahamas laying on the beach, in a pool at the Mandarin Hotel draped all over John Mayer.
I know, I know. It's great that Brad and Angie are out there doing their great humanitarian works. Making beautiful babies, saving everybody else's babies, walking the red carpet looking absolutely in love and let's face it just plain better than everyone else. But, I love the fact that Jennifer Aniston is just sitting by the pool. Any pool, any beach. Smokin' a cigarette, having a drink, in her bikini and basically just saying fuck it. "I am not going to win, I lost this race a long time ago. I don't have shit to prove. I'm not going to pretend I give a shit and go into Afghanistan wearing burka or whatever the hell they make women wear over there. Have you seen my ass? Why would I bother covering it up with anything? Ever? Pedro, another margarita por favor!" Por favor means please. I would like to think that with all this decadence she would at least say please.


Newlyweds Ashlee and Pete Wentz have confirmed that they are expecting their first child.

I feel kinda bad for Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Both of them were finally growing out of their awkwardness. Pete was becoming recognizable to people over the age of 15. Ashlee finally stepped out from the shadow of her older sisters' bosom. Then BAM! Kid's pregnant! What is it in Hollywood? Getting pregnant is like pink eye or something. Well, at least they have eachother. I can imagine them doing eachother's eye makeup and ironing eachother's hair. Hopefully they will put their vanity aside, there is a baby to take care of. A faux punk, black nail polish wearing, Sex Pistols coveting baby who no matter how many times he is photographed eating the "Cobb Salad" at The Ivy, will never be as cool as Kingston Rossdale. Sigh...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

These things just write themselves

Ne-Yo: Lindsay Lohan Is '"I gotta admit, we were like ... 'Lindsay Lohan?'" Ne-Yo tells Billboard magazine. "I mean, I've written for Beyonce Knowles, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Celine Dion and ... Lindsay Lohan?" Ridiculously Fabulous' on Album. (

Did he say "rediculously fabulous"? He sure did. Did he say "rediculously fabulous" regarding recording and writing an album for Lindsay Lohan? Uh, yeah. It say so. Right there. I am going to give Ne-Yo and his silly hats,(seriously has anyone ever seen his whole face at one time? All I see is one eye and lips. How am I supposed to tell you apart from Usher?) a pass on this comment because after all, he has written for the rediculously fabulous Celine Dion. Those other people he mentioned pale in comparison to my favorite Canadian export. Besides Ike...

Once again thank you Baby Jesus

Originally posted 05/28/2008 04:40PM (
George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating, a source tells PEOPLE.

This bitch was getting on my nerves. She was voted as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People, she has been getting major coverage in websites and in magazines as the "It Girl" of the moment. Why is that? Is she a humanitarian? Is she personally breastfeeding the starving children in Africa? No...she was fucking George Clooney. I imagine in order to get his attention you have to be a knock out so the beautiful part I am fine with. But come on, once you get him the whole relationship part would be waaaaay easy. You go to parties, you look pretty, you don't give interviews ( I think this is where things went sour, she started talking), be absolutely stupendous in the sack...wait a minute. He's available? Is he taking resumes because I can get some great references...

Another big boobed blonde sings Country...

Jessica Simpson's New Single Is Released
On the tune, she sings: "I need you now/ I need you bad/I need you baby looking just like that/Don't pack a bag/Don't make me wait/ I want to kiss that smile that's on your face/I need you wrapped up in these arms/ I want you just the way you are/Come on over."

That's pretty awful. Even in Jessica Simpson music standards this is pretty damn bad. She never had a song that really popped, which I never understood because she is a good singer. I think she rested her fate on her looks way too much. The sexy persona, the boobs and the overall "stupid blonde" is cute for a while, but that shit grows tired. Anyone that has attempted that since Marilyn Monroe has yet to get it right. It didn't fare none too well for Miss Monroe. Jessica has oohed and ahhed her way through a laundry list of sub par tunes....does anyone remember These Boots Are Made For Walking? Couldn't understand a word she said. The only thing I really recall was her saying "Where my boots at?" She said this in the video while she was wearing them. They're on your feet sweety! God she is so stupid. Does anyone remember the video? All men raise hands say "HELL YEAH!" That video came around the time Britney fell off the map and Jessica decided to try to fit into the proverbial boots of Britney, if you will. She should have pounced. Instead she tossed her wig (she wears them about 50% of the time), applied more lip gloss and asked us once again "Do you think I'm pretty?" Yes Jess, we all think you are very, very pretty.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Wall- Y, I love you so!

54-year-old Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer of Sweden claims to have been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years. Her surname translates into English as Berlin Wall.
Eija said she's been diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality. Basically, she likes to have sex with inanimate objects. She has never had sex with a human.

Huh? They actually have a name for this condition? Can't they just call it what it is...absolutely batshit? Well I guess marrying a wall is like being in any other marriage. You wake up in the morning, they barely acknowledge your existence. You come home from work, there's no dinner waiting, doesn't even ask you how your day was. Damn don't bring me flowers indeed.
This is was what I found most disturbing though...She said, "I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy. The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier."
That's just racist.

These Kids Today

It seems a slow day for entertainment news. Maybe my favorite people to talk about are still in hiding after the long weekend. So to fill up some space I thought I would share something that has been on my mind for some time now.
1. My Morning Jacket
2. Vampire Weekend ( I thought this was a festival and I got very excited at the prospect of having vampire weekend though I don't know how that would happen with the sunrise and all)
3. Panic At The Disco
4. Tokio Hotel
5. Good Charlotte
6. Fall Out Boy
Where do they get these names? Do they look in a dictionary, close their eyes and pick the words their fingers happen to fall upon? I mean what happened to simple names like Kiss, The Police, Pearl Jam. Ok, never mind...

Oh Thank God....

Flava Flav has vowed not to make any more Flavor of Love shows.He's in love with the mother of his young son AND he just proposed to her!

I don't watch televison much. So it goes without saying that I don't watch reality shows which make up about 75% of the crap that is on the tube these days. I think shows like this cater to the lowest common denominator of the human population. But Flavor of Love is the epitome of the crappity crap crap on TV. I honestly believe that if you watch it for the full 30 minutes your IQ will drop about 3 points. Watch a full season and we are talking full lobotomy.
VH1 is killing me softly. This show, this show. ILL. Just gross really. I cannot fathom how this became a phenomenon with THREE DIFFERENT SEASONS of Flavor of Love...fracking ill. How did they find even 1 woman willing to put their tounge in his mouth? THEN....just to keep it rolling they gave New York a show. You guys know who I'm talking about. That beauty that was rejected by Flav? Allow me to reiterate, THIS PIECE OF TRASH WAS REJECTED BY FLAVA FALV! Oh yeah,she got her own show too. Gentlemen( I use the term loosely) were lining up for two seasons of purely despicable, loathesome behavior in order to win fair maidens heart, weave or whatever it is she had to offer that they found so appealing.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Bow wow wow, yipee yo yipee yaaay....

Bow Wow tells the Reporter that he's going to focus on acting full time because wants to be like Will Smith. He says, "After 16 years in the music industry and six successful albums, I've decided to shift my energy to something else I'm passionate about, acting. I'm going to try to be the next Will Smith."

16 years in the business? For reals? So, I looked it up and he was born in 1987. 2008-16 years would mean he has been "in the biz" since 1992. That would have made this veteran rapper the ripe old age of 5. Now I don't know much about the hip hop but if MTV's version of The History Channel, Yo! MTV Raps!, serves true the year 1992 was the zygote stages of the phenomenon known as "Gangsta' Rap." It's inception if you will. If Biggie and Pac, didn't make the hell did this kid weather the hail of bullets?

Oh oh oh oh oh....

The original members of New Kids On The Block have announced the dates for their 2008 North American Tour.

I know that I should not be as excited as I am about this but....OH MY GOD NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK! IN MY LIFE YOU'RE SOOO RIIIGHT! Wait sorry, doing the stupid dance gimme' a minute...OK, I just wet myself a little.
Yes I expect them to do the dances, I expect them to do the whole "show em' the goods then you take em' away." I expect to lose my voice and probably with the last bit of grace I can muster, buy the Greatest Hits on Itunes because the last time I actually listened to NKOTB was on a tapedeck.
I think it is great that even though they are grown men, they are willing to embrace the one thing that made them famous in the first place, estrogen. I'm talking to you Donnie Wahlberg. Good for you for not being ashamed of your roots as rat tailed and acid washed as it was. Unlike some other famous Wahlberg's...yeah you Mark. I don't know what happened in between the dropping your pants for a Calvin Klein ad, and dropping your pants in Boogie Nights that you got all "Sean Penn" on me. There were billboards, there were videos, there were songs, there were commercials and there was The Funky Bunch. Oh yes, there was The Funky Bunch. If I wanted to, I could deny something from my past that I now deem as sketchy because my childish shenanigan's were not recorded for posterity. At least that I know of, he said there was no film in that camera. But you were in your skivvies for a reason Marky, to be adored. And adored you were!
Now my dream bill would be to have you open the show for your brother and his boy-bandmates, WHOM YOU SHOULD BE FOREVER INDEBTED TO, along with The Funky Bunch! Where are they?

Why Can't She Stay Home?

Is Britney planning a comeback?
That might be the case as the embattled pop star has apparently returned to the recording studio with producers J.R. Rotem and Sean Garrett, reported.

I decided a while back ago that making any jokes about Britney Spears is tasteless and let's face it way too easy. I will leave that to Jay Leno. This is more of my way of imploring those around her to keep her away from a recording studio, video shoot, sharp edges and anyone that carries a camera or penis with them.


[From The National Enquirer, print edition, June 2, 2008]

Jessica's fling with Zach Braff began after a recent party hosted by Diddy, when the mogul received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

“They spent that night together and several others,” the source said.

“Then she turned to Jared [Leto] for several more romantic trysts! And this was happening right under Tony Romo’s nose!”

At one point she was juggling all three guys, according to the source.

Oh, if this is true than this is just spectacular! Can you imagine "The Big Man on Campus, The Ultimate Jock, The Quarterback's" girlfriend cheating on him not only with "The Emo Boy That Looks Strangely Attractive Wearing Eyeliner," but with "The King Geek of the AV Club", as well? Oh Jessica! That is truly phenomenal work! Way to bring his smug ass down a notch. Personally, I prefer boys with eyeliner to the jocks...but if you were to offer me Zach Braff wearing eyeliner while day dreaming wearing those Scrubs there would be a Code 2. "Not as serious as a Code 3 but much more serious than a Code 1."
I'm proud of you Jess. You held on to your virginity as long as you could for one of the best looking men on the planet, only to cheat on him with dirty skateboarders whose collective IQ's may be even lower than you own. That is not even scientifically possible.
Don't worry about Tony, Jess.I'm sure he has plenty of babes in line and if not I'm sure his wide receiver would be willing to keep him warm.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

TV Bad...

A Utah woman has claimed to ABC News that Sex and the City turned her into a big ‘ol skank. As a 14-year-old, Long Island native “Lisa” – not her real name – started giving it up to every guy on the street – all as a result of idolizing Kim Cattral’s character, Samantha.

I understand where this girl is coming from. When I was 14 years old I used to watch Beverly Hills 90210. I felt the urgency to be just like Brenda Walsh and wear unfortunate ties, date a bad boy, have sex with that bad boy on our prom night, then declare to aforementioned bad boy that having sex so young was wrong, then go to Paris, fake an accent and cheat on my bad boyfriend with a fellow tourist I met in France. Then walk off the set, I mean out of the house in a huff to go away to College. Far away. Very far away. So far away that I would not be seen until I turned up in a whole new show, I mean town, and I had to fight demons off with my newfound magical powers to protect my sisters.

Listen up lady, do not blame your trip into Skanksville Population 1,000,000,000 on a television character. There were other characters on the show that were nowhere near as promiscuous as Samantha. There was Miranda, a no nonsense, career minded, single mom. There was Carrie, a shopoholic who was ever only truly in love with one man. There was Charlotte a polished Upper East Side Princess that didn't even like to perform felatio. God dammit...what the hell is wrong with me today? Ok no more TV references. I need to pick up a book, there is no absolutely no reason for me to know all that crap off the top of my head.

What Goes Around Comes Around, Comes All The Way Back Around...Yeah

Legendary music mogul Lou Pearlman, who created the boy bands Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in prison for stealing more than $300 million from investors. But Federal Judge G. Kendall Sharp, in Orlando, Fla., said he would reduce the jail time by one month for every $1 million Pearlman returned to the investors.

Karma's a bitch ain't it?! When I say Karma I mean that chukles here was the mastermind behind the BackstreetBoys and 'N Sync in the first place. Not you Justin. Since you lost the stupid hair and the stupid dame all is forgiven. Oh and you too Chris Kirkpatrick. You get a pass because you do the voice for Chip Skylark on that cartoon the Fairly Oddparents. Well, that is what the kids I babysit for tell me....(ahem).

Joss Stone Film Debute Snappers

When questioned about the steamy scenes in the flick, Joss came back with, “I just wanted to challenge myself. There are things in the film that are going to really push the boundaries, and that excites me! I can also confirm there will be a long lingering French kiss, but it won't be with a male!”
Conragulations Joss Stone! You have joined a very elite group of actors that have "pushed the boundaries" and dared to kiss someone of the same sex. Madonna, Brtiney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johannson, all the classy dames from the Girls Gone Wild, and Jake Gyllenhall welcome you. I threw in Jake just to throw you guys off from your boners.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dear Brad and Angelina

“I never planned on having children biologically,” Angie said last week while in Cannes, France, for the annual film festival. “But that changes when you meet someone you love.”

Really? Wow! Thank you. Thank you for deciding to procreate. I have to admit it was touch and go for a while when you first got together and started adopting right out the gate. Luckily for us, you realized it would be inhumane to deprive the world of what are going have to be the most genetically gifted people to walk amongst society. The kid (kids?) are still a fetus basically and they are already making me feel inadequate. So yeah, thanks for that. I think the countdown has already begun on Maxim to see when Shilo turns 18. The rumor is you are having twin girls, (again THANKS). If that is the case then the countdown has begun for those future hotties too. Here you are trying desperately as you can to make them as worldly as possible, taking them to places of extreme poverty and hunger. Trying to make them outwardly aware and all those schmucks want to do is parade your three baby girls on the cover of their sleazefest. Oh, you must be so proud!

Made Of Honor Premiere in do you say it sucks in spanish?

Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan promote their latest movie Made Of Honor on Wednesday at the ME Hotel in Madrid, Spain. Made of Honor was released in the US back on May 2, and has received a paltry 12% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I saw this monstrosity. I saw it because my mother and sister wanted to see it and because it was Mother's Day and because basically I felt that I had not suffered enough that day. So instead of shoving qtips lit on fire into my ears, I went to see Made of Honor. I was hoping that the adorableness that is Patrick Dempsey would make up for it. Not even close. Think of every single generic chick flick, romantic comedy, every line ever uttered, every twist you could think of, grind into a fine powder and sprinkle it in with a story line that was so unbelievably unbelievable it may have well been a unicorn and not a horse he rides to his fair maiden's side. That's right, there is a horse involved, I said it. I am still in need of going to see some shit blowing up just to make up for the time I spent in that time I spent in the Ninth Rung of Hell.

Paris and bubbles....I mean babies

The hotel heiress has been dating the Good Charlotte rocker for three months, but already has marriage and babies on her mind.Although she insists she is not currently pregnant, Hilton admits she hopes to be with child in 12 months’ time.She tells Britain’s Heat magazine, “I do want a baby. Pretty soon. Not yet because I’m so busy, but next year.”

So, Nicole Richie has a baby with a tatooed rocker from Good Charlotte (I don't even know how that was possible. Her being so malnourished and her baby daddy's diet seem to consist of mostly vodka, cigarettes and well, ink). So, Paris Hilton decides to have a baby with the TWIN BROTHER OF THE AFOREMENTIONED TATTOED ROCKER FROM GOOD CHARLOTTE!! I can just hear her "well you got extentions, I got extensions. you got a doggy, I got a doggy, you got a baby, I want a baby too." Sticks thumb in mouth...end scene. That is as far as that thought will go. I see her and all I can see is that vacant expression of...."buy me something shiny." For goodness sakes, Paris spare us from whatever it is that crawls out of your wretched womb and make another perfume that smells like you....a hint of undeserved affluence,a dash of narcissm and....what is that? Oh dried semen....lovely.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Glad to Know It Is Not Only Me...

21-year-old Zachary Alan Schreiber of North Naples, Fl. was popped Saturday night after allegedly throwing a beer bottle at someone who went off because he was blasting Mariah Carey music.
This, oh this says it all. Thank you kind stranger. Good samaritan if you will.For reminding people of the dangers ahead of them if they blast Mimi saying "I know you like my curves, come on and give me what I deserve." (We get it you are really really sexy). There will be trouble. Well, except if you are listening to Vision of Love....that song rules.

R Kelly Child Pornography Case Continues Jury Selection

I never actually saw the R Kelly sex tape, but the skinny is he urinated on a young girl. I also "heard" she didn't seem to mind it all that much and even enjoyed it. I am much more of the vanilla flavor sex. Choose from 1 of 3 positions, don't get any of that stuff in my belly button and you have to help me find my glasses afterwards. If you want a girl you can pee on I think it might be slim pickin's. I have asked several ladies and survey says "The only way I will let a guy piss on me is if I'm on fire, or I got stung by a jelly fish." Some of them did not understand the jelly fish remark. I went on to explain that the pain from the sting of a jelly fish can be temporaily cured by urine. After the shreek of "ewwwww's" I walked away. I don't have to worry about those things. I don't go to the beach much and I am rarely on fire.

"Man 29 dies in spitting contest"

That's how they get ya...the headlines I mean. The article goes on to explain themselves by saying he did not literally die from expactorating, but he fell. He fell from a balcony. He fell from a balcony while having a spitting contest with his friend. Let me walk you through this, A 29 YEAR OLD MAN FELL FROM A BALCONY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SPIT FURTHER THAN HIS FRIEND. Seriously boys, just whip em' out next time and see whose is bigger. That would save time and lives. Actually boys, keep spitting. Those of you who partake in such displays of showmanship will eventually kill yourselves off and I will not have to worry about those doltish genes of yours being spread to unsuspecting girls who I know you are having unprotected sex with in Cancun or wherever the hell it is you are spending Memorial Day weekend.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Hippocrites.. (spelled wrong btw folks)

Elizabeth Hassleback from The Bitchfest, better known as The View, graces the June cover of Fitness Magazine. She says,"Body image has nothing to do with scale numbers, it's how you feel inside," Hasselbeck, who turns 31 this month, told Fitness magazine. "This is the first time I've felt free from that, because I am working out in a way where I feel so strong that there's no room for those doubts." She adds: "I finally told myself ... 'I've got some curves, I've got a bubble butt, but I don't mind, because it's what powers me forward when I run."
This is quickly follwed by her 6 week regimen she followed to get ready for the cover. |
Now, I have seen Elizabeth Hassleback and a bubble butt I do not recall. But, how can she say "blah blah blah, body image, nothing to do with numbers, blah blah blah." then go on to say that she prepared for 6 weeks for her cover? That means she basically ignored her new baby for 6 weeks to look good in a bikini, multiply that by the time she spends working in The Coven, I mean The View. I understand the plight of young working mothers, I do. Looking good is important, but please do not make it seem as if it is just that simple. "Accept your curves, feel strong." But make sure you throw up five times a day before bikini season.

Darling Diddy...

"Sean John is fashion Viagra. I’ve had 40 year-old men tell me that once they started wearing Sean Jean, everything changed for them, [including] their sex life."
- Diddy told the CBS News Sunday Morning
Really? Really Diddy? Somebody said this to you? Outloud? For you to hear? Or was it another one of those dilusions you suffer from, speaking out in third person again? You know the one that tells you how "fly" everything you do is? Don't get me wrong I like rhinestone tshirts and silver life jackets as much as the next gal, but fashion viagra? A 40 year old man that starts wearing Sean John and claims that it "changed everything for them" needs help that not you, Tommy, Calvin, Donna, or Donatella can offer. Speaking of Donatella, I see how a lil' Versace might change your life...but Sean John? Nay Nay says I.

Deep Thoughts By Lil Wayne

I don't do too many [drugs]. I just smoke weed and drink. But I'll never fuck with no more coke. It's not about the bad high; it's just about the acne: Cocaine makes your face break out. I'm a pretty boy."
- Lil' Wayne tells Blender magazine
Oh Wayne, Wayne. Such a gentleman. We can always count on you for your quick wit and class. And beauty tips! Here I was thinking all along that cocaine was bad for me because it is an illegal/highly addictive substance...when really "it's not about the bad high it's just about the acne." Thank you, you pretty boy you.

"The world is about to end in 2012… ’cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012. I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is about to end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist - there's no more Pluto. Planes are flying into buildings - and not just the Twin Towers. Mosquitos bite you and you die. And a black man and a woman are running for president."
- Lil' Wayne tells the new issue of Blender
I think the fact that Lil Wayne claims to "got encyclopedias on the bus" is much more a sign of our impending apocolypse than any of that other crap.

That's Enough Mariah Carey....

There was a time that I really enjoyed you. You were a fresh faced, beautiful, ethnic looking (what ethnicity you were quite vague on but ethnic nontheless.) singer, with killer pipes and a low key demeanor. Then as you like to say you were freed from the clutches of evil Tommy Matolla and somewhere between then and today I would say you have lost your marbles about 50 times. First, it was the nakedness. Ok, I get it. He didn't like you wearing revealing things so you bought yourself every size 2 miniskirt you could get you hands on. The fact that you really were a size 6 didn't matter. The only way to be sexy is to look young, you not being so young decided that you were not only going to be young but a fucking child. FOREVER! From the Hello Kitty radio/toaster/bedspread/stuffed animals, down to those tube tops you insist on squeezing yourself into that even Britney Spears would have said "no way that's too skanky for me.", to those rediculous butterly barettes and accessories. Oh and blonde, blonde must be blonde. Boobs, boobs must get boobs. Now what else can you do to look completely generic see, let's get rid of the "ethnic looking features" so now you look well......weird. Non descript ethnicity that is perfect....and mysterious! Now to add to that mystique make sure the camera never gets that side of you face. You know the bad side? Be ever so careful to make sure it is obsucred at all times by your hand, hair, dark shadow or better yet off camera completely or it will turn all of those attempting to watch your videos, which are unbearable to watch as it is (I mean all women answer the door for the computer fix it guy in a lace bra and thigh highs all the time) to stone. Almost Medusa like.
Now, my advice to you Mimi (can I call you Mimi?) is stop trying to think you have to look like a photoshop picture....yeah they can tell the difference. Dress like the classy lady I hope you are inside. No more belly chains while wearing jean miniskirts with cutoff tees and your "boobs" spilling out over the top. Nobody, dresses like this anymore not even teenagers. It is not 1998, you are not 28 you're 38 get over it. After a certain age the trick I hear is pick one, legs, boobs, or belly...not all at the same time. No more Hello Kitty, butterfly or water slide references. This may be a little harder for you to let go considering you just married a 12 year old but I can hope. Also, LOOK AT ME DAMMIT! LOOK AT ME! What the hell kind of psychotic ego maniac gets all glammed up to cover half of her face 75 % of the time? Jesus, you are on every magazine list of Hottest Hotness and we can't even seeeee you. Help me to help you.....That's enough.
Your dog, Jack.

PS- don't buy me anymore sweaters or shoes, it belittles us both