Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ashlee Simpson Defends Her Sister's Weight Gain...

“Since when did a woman’s weight become newsworthy… I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News (”Jessica Simpson Shocks Fans With Noticeably Fuller Figure”. (

First of all, she did this on her Myspace page. The foremost place to get your news if you ask me. Second of all, did anybody ask her or did she just basically call her sister fat on her own page on Myspace?
Thirdly and most importantly what does the fact that Jessica Simpson has gained weight have to do with the inauguration? As if she is soooo deep that how dare we as a country speak of such shallow things now that we have a black president. Now is the time to chill. Oh, and that feeling of hope? Doesn't she know that seeing the once tight and toned Jessica plump up just a bit fill American women, hell women all around the world with hope? "See, bitch ain't so perfect after all. Let's see her try to fit her ass into those daisy dukes now!" It makes me feel great.

Dear Leaf,

I know you changed your name but that is what your hippy parents named you. If you could change your name why would you go with Joaquin? That is what a crazy person would do...oh yeah you are absolutely insane....
Three months ago, Joaquin Pheonix announced that he was retiring from acting and that his most recent movie Two Lovers with Gwenyth Paltrow would be his last. Casey Affleck, his brother-in-law, told reporters that Joaquin would be going into music. When I heard this, I thought, “well that’s nice - he has a band.” Not so. He has decided that his new career path is going to be rapping. (

Mm-hmm, and you think this is a good idea because????
I would figure that the fact that your brother died in your arms due to a drug overdose would be enough to keep you away from Robitussin for life. Obviously, I was wrong. I would like you to be around a little bit longer so I could adore you just like I did when you played Johnny Cash. Shit, when you played the screwed up kid in Parenthood. You don't have to be famous, crushed by the magnitude of your fame and genius. You don't have to kill your career completely by growing a beard that rivals Grizzly Adams. You know what keep the beard, just please put the microphone down and do not I repeat DO NOT ask me to "throw my hands in the a-yer and wave em' like i just don't ca-yer!" Because, I ca-yer Joaquin. I ca-yer.

Lyrics To Britney's Song 'Circus'

Let's add a few shall we???
"There’s only two types of guys out there, Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared."
There is also the third type of guy. The smart ones.
So baby I hope that you came prepared I run a tight shift so, beware.
I'm sorry, you what? You run a tight shift? You are on sedatives and you are on a tight shift and a short leash due to all your got the beware part right though.
I’m like the ringleader I call the shots.
Ummmm, no. You don't. Like I said you have handlers and you are the funny little monkey they use to get coins from. One of those attacked me once which is probably why I am so afraid of you.
I’m like a firecracker I make it hot.
I think you would best be served by using the word fire and cracker in the same sentence. Fire would imply that in your insanity you may actually burn shit down. Cracker for the obvious reasons.
I will give you this Brit, your abs look amazing. I can totally see where your priorities are which is why yes you are right, all eyes on you.....just like a circus sad clown.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Notice The Slight Subtleties....

Angelina Jolie reacting to her Oscar nomination:
"To receive a nomination from the Academy on top of that is a privilege beyond any expectation. It has been an exceptional year for acting, and I am honored to be in the company of these talented actors whose performances all deserve this recognition.” — Angelina Jolie, best-actress nominee for Changeling.
Poised, seasoned even if you will.

Anne Hathaway reacting to her Oscar nomination:
"I was with my parents and my dog when I got the news and we were all overjoyed — although I’m not sure my dog knew what was going on."
Of course your dog did not know what was going on....what the hell was that?

I know she is younger and I think this may be her first nomination, but I could not help but notice the difference in tone.

Kanye Said This.....

and why am I not surprised???
“I made a decision. I wanna make popular music, but I want less fans,” he told writer Sean Fennessey when asked if he was comfortable with fame. “I want the freedom of having less fans. It’s like the freedom of having less money. If you have less money, you have less responsibility. It’s like Bjork. If she wanted to pose naked, you’d be like, ‘Oh, that’s Bjork.’ But if I wanted to pose naked, people would draw all type of things into it. I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I’ll pose naked. I break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture.”(

OK. Have it your way. But, why wait two months? Pose nekkid now with your fat ass and I guarantee your fan base will be down to about nothing pretty quick. Not because we will be disolusioned by your imperfections, an Adonis you are not you silly. But, because we will finally get to see that teeny tiny pecker of yours. I mean that has to be the reason you are so boisterous and arrogant right? You said "you break ever rule of black culture" so maybe you break that part of rule of "black culture" as well.
BTW, how dare you even put yourself in the same category as Bjork? Dumbass...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Meaning of Barack To Me...

Yesterday was Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday He would have been 80 years old. In his famous speech " I've Been to the Mountaintop" he says, " I may not get there with you, but I have seen the promised land." The symbolism should not be lost on anyone that today the first black president was sworn into office. He might have seen the promised land but did he ever imagine, that if his life had not been taken from him perhaps he might have actually seen it?

OK....enough with the deep stuff it makes me weep.
There was a list of top money making couples I saw recently on television. One of those lists that fills my brain with enough silly information that allows me to write horrible things about celebrities and not feel bad about it because they are usually excruciatingly beautiful and rich. The top 2 highest paid celebrity couples were:
2. Jada and Will Smith.
1. Jay-Z and Beyonce.
I know it seems a strange comparison but I think MLK would be proud of that too.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Testament to Human Laziness

You know toilet paper? You know how toilet paper used to take a whole 9 seconds to remove the used carton spool to replace it with a new spool? Well now, they have these fancy lil' arms or hooks you put the toilet paper on and it saves you all of 6 seconds every couple of days. Don't get me wrong, I found that task just as annoying as the next person, but this is truly a sign of how lazy we have become as a society. Our ancestors were hunter gatherers and I am pretty sure they had to find a pile of leaves to wipe their asses with and we can't even change the spool of toilet paper. No wonder there is so many obese people in the planet.
You know what else? I drive to the gym to get on the treadmill. I drive so I can walk or run on a treadmill.....ponder that and get back to me.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Reason # 547 I Despise My Job

Yes, I agree that 5:57pm it may be a bit of a drag that the sun has already gone down. But, there is one guy that every night has to say "ooh look at that it's black out already....darkness." He works the late shift and cannot leave the office until 8pm anyways so what does he give a shit whether the sun is shining or not? He comes in at 12pm so I know that he is not up at 6am to enjoy the sunlight while it is out so what exactly is the fucking problem? I sit here and I can see that it is dark as well, but I have to be here until 7:30pm which pretty much guarantees me a night time drive home from this hell hole be it summer, winter or mother-f'ing spring.
Stupidity....what an inspiration.

Packin' A Piece

While attendees of Fergie’s Saturday wedding to actor Josh Duhamel called the affair “absolutely amazing,” guests were still a little miffed at what one guest called the “airport-style security presence.”
“We couldn’t bring anything with us,” says an insider. “No cell phones, no cameras, nothing. We all met in a parking lot, where we were searched and went through metal detectors.” (

She better have had metal detectors there. He is fine as hell and she is....well to put it nicely all her wedding pictures are from the back. Another one bites the dust. Sigh, bye Josh...

Jell-o and Marc

In the Jan. 26 issue of Star — on newsstands now! — we report that after months of fighting the couple’s fiery marital brawls have escalated to a whole new level. Sources close to the couple say that the twosome’s emotional war of words has now crossed the line and become physical.
“They love hard; they fight hard — and sometimes that has led to pushing and shoving,” reveals an insider close to Marc. “They throw things and scream and just go bananas. It’s been war in their house!” And while Jennifer is known to let loose on him, another source says Marc “can be really mean. He’s a macho guy with a horrible temper and can say awful things.” (

Does anybody believe this? That bitch has gots to have at least 40 lbs on him.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Further Proof That Children Are Evil

JACKSON, Ohio - Police say a 4-year-old boy in southern Ohio shot his babysitter because the sitter accidentally stepped on his foot. Police said 18-year-old Nathan Beavers and several other teenagers were babysitting several young children in a mobile home in Jackson on Sunday when the shooting occurred.

Holy Crap! When a 4 year old busts a cap in your ass the party is officially over. What the hell were they doing? Several teenagers and several young a mobile home. Either this is a sick party or a meth lab maybe both, but there is no need for the violence.

Oh Aubrey...

Former Danity Kane member Aubrey O’Day has opened up to MTV about her sexuality. Here’s what the 24-year-old singer had to say:
On her sexuality: “I think it’s funny that so many people care. I mean, half the time, I don’t even know who I’m gonna love or what I’m gonna feel comfortable exposing myself to. But one thing that I have to say about me that’s really always gonna be true, whether people like it or not, is I’m just gonna be me. I’m gonna be real. I’m not gonna do anything because people want me to. I’m not gonna hide something about me.” (

Sweety, nobody really cares. You just keep mentioning it and the boys can't help but get erections over another big fake titty blonde that occasionally makes out with other big fake titty blondes. It's in their DNA.

Uh huh.....

Paris Hilton tells Glamour magazine that, contrary to the way she’s portrayed in the press, she really is not a man-chaser. In fact, she says, she’s only had sex with “a couple of people.”
Just a couple huh?
In her defense she thought they meant in 2009.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Things I Hope Will Die A long With 2008.....

We are almost at 2010 people, some times things just need to go bye bye.

1. Fitness magazines with actresses, singers, or any TV personality. Their job is to look like that. You are not going to tell me that they do not sacrifice greatly to be that person.

2. Criss Angel and David Blaine. Well I don't want them to literally die, just their "illusions."

3. T. Pain, Lil, Wayne, Mike Jones.....basically any rapper with minimal skill, lots of bling, lots of grill, lots and lots of oh hell what's one more lots of visible tattoos and what I hate you for the most the money you have that you have and so do not deserve. Oh and pick up your damn pants. One of you literally had them starting at your knees....what happens if you need to run or walk even.

4. People that use Facebook and Myspace as a way of really opening up and letting their feelings known for allllllll to see. That is what a journal is for. Or look, do what I did get a fucking blog. There is only so much your friends and family can put up with. Facebook is not for that. It's for the pretty pictures. STFU.

5. Shows on the Discovery Channel about people who put themselves in dangerous situations with wild/predatory animals then are retelling their story like I should be surprised when things go awry. Dude, you were in the ocean taking pictures of a great white shark and it bit into your cage and GASP you were almost killed!! Look, this would be "shocking video" if you were sitting in your living room and Jaws was to saunter in and bite your ass. That would shock me.

6. Jay Leno's guys fuckin for real? Still with the Lewinsky jokes in 2009 after Bill hugged Hillary on New Years Eve? Better material please.....or any material at all that would be just peachy.

7. Stores, when you say Small can you actually mean Small. Not Small for someone who is 5'8" (God bless you those that are, this is not your fault). But I figure if ice cream shops can get it right when they say small, medium, large at this point so would you and I wouldn't have to travel to the kid's department to get a pair of pants.

8. Hot Topics. Well not really but for those of you in the know perhaps you will agree with me per se'.

9. Rock of Love, Double Shot at Love, Momma's Boys, The Bachelor. Fine the shows exist, I can deal with that because I refuse to watch them.....but do the contestants really have to cry? I mean they really cry. Like these big tough guys are crying because Tila Tequila dumped them. HER NAME IS TILA TEQUILA THIS IS BASICALLY A GAME SHOW ABOUT WHO GET TO NAIL A SLUT. You really won if you lost.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! More smut for 2009

Mini me was great in the sack...
Curvy 5ft 6in stunner Genevieve, 36. reveals: “We had to be creative—but because of my yoga experience I could get into the right positions to make it work. And I was soon head over heels in love with Verne.
“We could have sex up to 10 times in a single day. We’d do it for 45 minutes and he would just keep on going as I had orgasm after orgasm.
“He was a sex addict. He was then only the second man I’d ever slept with. He told me he’d had huge numbers of girls.” (

OK, eww. Fine, love is blind, blah blah blah. I know that women if you like the guy you are pretty tolerant but c'mon. I mean I'm glad she is not bad mouthing him after being married to him for that whole 24 hours, but I could really live the rest of my whole life not knowing that tiny mo fo gave her orgasm after orgasm.