Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Ill's of Being Famous

In a recent interview for OK Magazine Kim had this to say:
Q: How does it feel to be on TV everyday?
A: I look a lot bigger on TV. When I meet people, the first thing they say is, “Wow, you’re so much smaller than I thought.” I look about 15 pounds heavier. I’m only 115 pounds, and everyone thinks I’m like 130 or 140. It’s bizarre. I’m a size 2! (theskinnywebsite.com)

What? Nobody asked you that. They asked you what it was like to work on television. Your answer should have been " It sucks because I used to feel really confident about the way I looked and my curves until everybody started yelling that I am a fat ass."
Kim, if there is one thing you are is beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Don't let anybody tell you different. Just please spit out the gum.
Besides, everybody knows that whole 20 lbs thing on TV/Movies. "We can have Gump cavorting with dead presidents and a Jurassic summer but that 20 lb thing we don't understand."

Oh Usher

Usher is set to conquer the fashion world! He recently told WWD that he’s set to launch a men’s and women’s intimates collection.
“You may have heard that I might be launching a lingerie line for men and woman,” said the 29-year-old R&B singer, who had some of his designs were featured in his new “Trading Places” music video. “Comfort and intimacy is very important.” (justjared.com)

"Why no Usher, we have not heard that you might be launching a lingerie line for men and women. Mainly because men don't wear lingerie but I digress. Go on. You were making a shameless plug about....put your pants back on Usher. Yes, those look lovely on you...please put your pants back on. Why are you lifting your shirt again? Yes...I know amazing abs we have seen them.....ohhhhh. It's a man bra. Well thank you Mr. Raymond the interview is over."
He is right comfort and intimacy are important. I felt extremely uncomfortable in that intimate situation.

Bill Maher On The View

Lord, yes. Things came to a head at the end of Maher's segment, when Shepherd asked the skeptical Maher whether he had ever spoken with God. Needless to say, he had not, and when Shepherd replied that she had, Maher recommended a stint in Bellevue. As Whoopi Goldberg hurriedly threw the show to commercial, a grinning Elisabeth Hasselbeck clearly exulted in the fact that for once, she wasn't the controversial one. (defamer.com)

I understand the need for people to have religion in their life. But nobody likes a liar, especially God. So, don't lie Sheri. The last time I remember God speaking to anyone was in that lovely work of fiction called the Bible and you have no parts in that play.

Sara Palin

I reserved any judgement on this candidate until I actually learned something about her. I thought liberal journalists were taking a huge risk making fun of the fact that she was from Alaska and inexperienced. In that case take jabs at Obama for being black and "inexperienced" as well. Let's get to know her before we come out the gate making fun of her.
Well, it's been about 1 month and H-O-L-Y SHIT. This woman is the best thing to happen to the Democratic Party since Roosevelt. It's gotta be good/bad when there are already two skits starring Tina Fey on SNL that really are not even that far from what was actually said and what actually happened. Katie Couric had this woman fumbling over her words and looking down at some cheat sheets down by her knees. Katie Couric. I know she is a "serious journalist" now but we are talking Katie from The Today Show people. Not that long ago she was standing in Times Square with people from Kansas holding up signs that said "HI AL!" behind her. No offense to the folks from Kansas but you can understand what I'm saying.

I Never Meant To Cause You Any Sorrow

The Purple One has this to say
Talking about his determination, Prince told USA Today, “I did the Dirty Mind tour and pushed that envelope off the table. What I didn’t do, finished. I don’t want to go back. You have to get out of your own way.” He went on revealing the fact that he is a Jehovah’s Witness advocate has also contributed to his decision. Giving credit to the bible, which he often reads, Prince furthermore remarked “that’s another way faith has changed me.”
The hit maker openly admitted he no longer wants to write songs with lusty lyrics and perform dirty dancing on-stage because he does not want to offend his fans, who as time goes by have grown up and had children. (celebitchy.com)

Ok. I can respect that. Fine you don't want to do splits, wear assless pants, a rediculous amount of eye makeup, hair product and high heels and all that. But, I saw Purple Rain twice last week and sir I don't care if they beat you with that bible until your teeny ass is as purple as that motorcycle you rode throughout the film, you are never going to wash away those sins in Jehova's eyes, and that's a good thing. The bravado and all around showmanship you had at that time is part of who you are.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Things That Make You Go EWWW...

Adnan Ghalib, the shutterbug and former flame who infamously dated Brit during her breakdown, told Heat magazine, “There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further.”
The alleged adult footage, which was filmed in Mexico, runs about two hours and features the singer wearing nothing but a pink wig, an unconfirmed source tells Britain’s The Sun newspaper.
Doesn't it though? You are kinda like eww, don't wanna see that. You know this was at her "peak" of batshit so watching her do anything for two hours would be disturbing. He is ugly, she was all cracked out with a wig on....who the hell wants to see that?
BTW, I saw a lil' piece of Kim Kardashian's sex tape. Finally, I am so late for that ship. Anyways, she is chewing gum the whole time. It's not even in the back of her mouth amongst her teeth and tounge where gum usually is, it is at the tip of her tounge with her mouth open. WTF is that about Kim? Gum and sex do not go well together. It's sticky, you're stupid and things can go very badly, very quickly. How do you go to the emergency for that?

Men I Love

1. John Dorian MD
Vulnerable, sweet, intelligent, super geeky, immeasurable love for his friends. Sucker for the vulnerable geeky thing. On celluloid only, this does not transfer well into real life.

2. Ari Gold
I know people are always talking about what a jerk Jeremy Piven is. I really don't care. Ari might be a potty mouth of biblical proportions, but his cursing is like prose. He showers his wife and family with love and is able to seperate the two. And damn he wears that suit.

3. Dr. Cox
Oh Dr. Cox....where do I begin? I wonder if you are reeee-eeee-eeeallly upset that the show House essentially took your character and centered it around you, but you use a cane. I love your rants, I love your hair, I love how much you love Jordan, I love how much you love Jack, I love your jersey, I love that face you make when you drink scotch. I love the way you stand there with your hands crossed over your head saying "up yours Bob-o."

4. John Travolta
You guys can kiss my ass. I saw Hairspray the other day and dammit if I didn't love those cankles. Royal with cheese...

5. Ozone from Breakin'
Watched Breakin' last night and I swear no one can make cut off day glo, leather cuffs, what I think is a shark tooth earring look so manly/sexy. He wore this to court by the way so you can only imagine what he wears on a "casual" day.

6. Ryan Reynolds
Very funny, devastatingly handsome, abs carved from marble and now married to S. Jo. Nuff said.

7. Barack Obama
On the off chance you do not become the President, I have this to say. You are one smooooothe cat. You look at ease and when you say 10 year plan I am elated you may be the man to take us through those 10 years.

8. Stranger that actually let me into his lane this morning despite the heavy traffic
Thank you kind stranger. I gave you the wave and all that but I still do not feel it was enough.

9. Seth McFarlane
You are one funny son of a bitch. Only you can make a line like "ruined my evening" funny as hell, or a "get yo' fat ass back here" from a pedophile delicious.

10. George Lucas
I've sais this already....but there is no list without him.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I Hate Grey's Anatomy. Officially

I go to certain websites to find my "news". There are these quotes everywhere. Little nuggets of wisdom you can put on a bumper sticker or a coffee mug like "You're my person." Or my personal favorite, "It's like candy, but with blood which is so much better." Come to find out you can click on these things and find your favorite moments from Grey's Anatomy. What the fuck does "you're my person." mean? Is it anything like "I am so your bitch"? That one is not on there, that's mine. A little Daria Anatomy for your ass.


“[He was] teaching me how to cut and eat steak, which was a mystery to me at age 4; how to stick the fork in and cut behind it, and that was how you got a piece in your mouth,” writes Sean, 32, whose mom is Yoko Ono. “I think it was that night when he got very upset with me, I think because of something I did very cheekily with the steak. He did wind up yelling at me very, very loudly to the point where he damaged my ear, and I had to go to the hospital.” (celebitchy.com)

Are you sure it wasn't your mother's "singing"? Has anyone really listened to the shriekings of Yoko Ono and not gone deaf...or at least wish they had? Seriously, every Christmas when they play that "So This Is Christmas" song and I hear that woman in the background I am tick tocking the hours for New Years.

Uh Doy News....

People.com has posted the details of their semi-surprising cover story on Clay Aiken’s admission that he’s gay. The 29 year-old singer has finally put to rest rumors about his sexuality by admitting that he’s of the other persuasion and doesn’t want to hide it anymore. Aiken had a child, a baby boy, with an older female friend about six weeks ago. Parker Foster Aiken was conceived by in vitro fertilization and is being raised by Clay and the baby’s mother, music producer Jaymes Foster. (celebitchy.com)

Also burning issues, tricks are indeed for kids.

Friday, September 19, 2008

This Seems To Be The Week Of Oversharing

“To be my man, you have to put up with a lot,” said the singer. “I toot under the sheets, I spend a lot of money and I can belch the ABC’s.”
You are in NY and Tony isn’t. Will you speak with him tonight?We fall asleep together every night - I put the phone on my pillow. We will pray together tonight. (celebitchy.com)

Does this bitch EVER shutup? You fart in bed? Fantastic Jessica. You can belch the ABC's? I'm just happy she knows there's an alphabet.
"I put the phone on my pillow. We will pray together tonight." What are you 15? I'm sorry but at this point even Jesus is annoyed by you and Tony. Your prayers would be better served if you at least tried doing that on your own.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Megan Fox Is A Genius

Fox - “Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I bought her things—perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! I didn’t want her to be there.”GQ - How long did it go on?Fox - “Not very long. You know when you’re pushing something and it escalates much too rapidly and it explodes after only two weeks?” (wwtdd.com)

Ok this chick is brilliant. Seriously she has done 1 movie and she is a household name. For what? For being the hottest piece of ass on the planet. Think early Angelina Jolie but sluttier and not as talented. Tatoo's? On it. Big poofy lips? Check. Lesbian trysts? Done!
This is how it's done Aubrey....I'm still kinda skeeved out.

Get Out Your Hand Sanitizer

This is just a portion of the interview with Aubrey from Danity Kane
Aubrey O’Day: If I have to be ridiculed and called a whore and the party animal and the dumb girl for the rest of my career, I’m OK with that. Because I love who I am. You’re going to have to interpret me however you’re going to interpret me.
Good answer. So when people hear you’re best friends with Jenna Jameson, they think—Aubrey O’Day: —I’m going to do sex tapes and porn. Jenna and I never even talk about porn. I think one time Jenna and I had a conversation about having sex on your period.
Oh, running a red light?Aubrey O’Day: Yeah. There was some new guy I was dating, and it was the first time we were going to go there, and he was weird about it. So I ask Jenna for advice and she’s like, “Honey, it’s just a little war paint, who cares?”
Is this an uncomfortable subject?Aubrey O’Day: Oh, it’s fine. I love talking about my period.
You seem to like to talk about sex.Aubrey O’Day: I love porn.
You love watching it?Aubrey O’Day: Totally. I watch YouPorn.
Do you have a favorite star?Aubrey O’Day: Jenna Jameson, obviously.
Is it weird watching your BFF?Aubrey O’Day: I watched her before she was my BFF, I don’t watch her anymore. I was actually masturbating one night to, like, Anal Sex Compilation #3 or whatever, and she was in it and I was like, “Oh no!” I had to turn it off. It was horrible.
Guys are always curious about girls and porn.
Aubrey O’Day: I usually watch black guys doing white girls, that’s my little fetish, even though in real life race isn’t a factor for me. Really, I’m more turned on by watching the girls than the guys. I love someone who looks like they’re really into sex.
[Complex Magazine via D-Listed]

What? What the hell happened to you Aubrey? Are you on drugs? Is the bleach and the glue you have on your head making you insane? When you said "do you got a first aid kit handy?" I thought you meant because of your broken heart, not your menses. Running a red light? Ok that is kinda funny, but please keep that shit to yourself ya' nasty skank.
Less is more...ever heard of that? "I was masturbating one night to like, Anal Sex Compilation #3 or whatever?" Holy shit!! I didn't even know they had a part 1 and 2.

Monday, September 15, 2008

And Herein Lies The Third Rung Of Hell

Hilary Duff has just dropped the first single from her upcoming Greatest Hits album.
It's a song called Reach Out, and it features a sizeable sample from Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus. (perezhilton.com)

WTF? This is painful. Hillary Duff sampled Depeche Mode? Is nothing sacred? This...this is sacred. I want to know who signed off on this one because....because...well it's just fuckin' wrong. If Selena Gomez uses a Smith's beat, or Miley Cyrus does a "remake" of Bauhaus' I will bite them..... I'm getting all hot under my ruffly collar.
You guys know what I'm talking about.....ugh.

Greed Is....Good?

This year will mark the last season for FX's acclaimed Nip/Tuck.
Now, there's just one lil' problem - and it's quite big actually. The network has to negotiate the actors' salaries for this final season - and they want a big payday!
Currently, salary talks have been ongoing for weeks with the stars of the show.
During Season 5, last year, Julian McMahon and Dylan Walsh were each making around $125,000 each per episode. Fellow co-star Joely Richardson was making about $100,000. (perezhilton.com)

Exactly when will people get their heads out of their asses? How much money is enough? Yes, Nip/Tuck is a fairly good show. Are you enriching lives in ANY way? Who do you think you are? REAL plastic surgeons? Now those guys make the world a better place. They give us poofy lips, symmetrical D cup breasts and make fat juicy asses out of the unsavory fat you find in back fat. What do you guys do? You read off the prompter and ask me every week "What is it you don't like about yourself?" Then you make me cry. Damn back fat...

The Great Gig In The Sky

One of the founding members of Pink Floyd, Richard Wright (above right), died Monday at his home in Britain after a long battle with cancer. (Perezhilton.com)

I never got to actually SEE you perform, but I definetly FELT your presence in every note if you get my gist. Shine On....

I Love Bill Maher

Karl Rove described Obama as - quote - "the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and making snide comments about everyone who passes by." Unlike George Bush, who is the guy at the country club who makes snide comments and then passes out. (hbo.com)

Thank you for coming back and tucking me in on Friday nights with little nuggets of wisdom like this one. You make the world a better place and politics much more palatable.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Lil' Wayne Is Hiding Something...

"When Lil' Wayne showed up to perform in the show - and he showed up on time - he was carrying a bag and refused, point blank, to go through security. Everyone else - including Rihanna, Chris Brown, Beyoncé, Justin Timberlake and Kid Rock - went through security, and we couldn't make an exception. He's obviously not a Boy Scout and has a history with drugs and guns.
But he wouldn't budge and refused to have his bag searched or have a security wand passed over him. Then he started getting abusive: 'I don't need your [bleeping] show - I'm leaving if you make me do this.' So he had to leave, I mean, who knows what was in that bag? (celebitchy.com)

Call me old fashioned, but when I see a tattoo on a forehead I automatically think Manson Family, which makes me think unstable and maybe even psychotic. Therefore, you and your little band of miscreants can shake your asses home if you are not down with a procedure put in place to keep everyone, yes even you shortstack, safe.

Body Oddities

I came upon an article on msn.com, which I cannot find for the life of me right now. With this title, Body Oddities. I thought it was going to talk about disfigured people or maybe even hermaphrodites. Instead what I find is a guy that lives his life like a tiger. He has tiger stripe tattoos all over his body including his face and has even had his teeth sharpened to what I guess could best be described to be fangs.
Also in this article is what I suppose would be lizard or snake guy? He has completly covered his body in green scale like tattoos, has had some type of implants to his forehead to make him look even more like an idiot, sorry snake. He has even had his tounge surgically forked, again to look more like an idiot, sorry snake.
To this I say what the fuck is wrong with you? Under any other circumstances these people would have been given some tranquilizers and ordered to stop reading Dr. Seuss Books. There are real people, who are truly human oddities, like conjoined twins or people who are literally born with 1/2 a body. There are people who are disfigured, burned, and have to live with these scars....and you are doing this to yourself? On purpose?
You are not a body oddity. You are a self mutilating fool. If you were not so proud of this I would feel sorry for you.

Bold Statement

Mariah Carey is leaving manager Benny Medina after hearing rumors that he’s courting his former client, and her nemesis, Jennifer Lopez. If Carey does walk it will be Medina’s third major loss of the year. Tyra Banks and Usher recently left him. (justjared.com)

Nemesis? Jennifer Lopez is Mariah Carey's nemesis? Can you just arbitrarily make up an argument with someone and call them your nemesis? Alright then my nemesis is that jackass that works the bridge on my way to work. That evil fiend makes me late to work every morning. One day, one day soon I shall have my revenge! (Insert evil laugh here)

Dear Jonas Brothers...

Purity Rings + Ascots= Gay

Dear Miley Cyrus
Purity Rings + Slutty Pictures= Liar

That's it.
I'm not saying you need to have sex, wait as long as you want to or as long as you can. Whichever comes first. But when you make it seem like your losing your virginity is the end all be all of a relationship....well you end up like Jessica Simpson. Divorced at 25 still waiting for your knight in shining armor to sweep you onto his white horse. Watch Snow White as an adult and you just want to kill yourself.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Reception Part 2

I sit at my desk minding my own business when "The Weirdo" walks in. I say "hello, who is the the food for?" I ask him NICELY to please sit down they will be right with you. He of course does not sit, simply stands on the other side of my desk. I try to ignore him, but he says
"I thought I would never see you again." I ask why.
He says "well because I haven't seen you." Well, I've been here I reply.
He says "I haven't seen you in 32 days." How do you know that? Were you on vacation for a month or something? "No, I just know how long it's been since I've seen you."
OK. At this point "The Weirdo" became " The Stalker". I had never found out how he had gotten my personal email a few months ago because it freaked me out. But now he tells me he has counted the days since he last saw me.....sitting at my desk at work.
I start to worry that I am going to come home one night and find this guy sitting on my porch, sucking his thumb wearing a Hannibal Lecter Mask. I don't know how he would suck his thumb through it....but this is of no concequence because this makes no sense anyways.

This Makes Me Weep

Tom Brady will miss the entire season with a left knee injury that needs surgery, leaving the New England Patriots without one of the game's great quarterbacks and severely damaging their hopes of a return trip to the Super Bowl. (foxsports.com)

Tommy....oh Tommy. I can't remember the last time I felt so devastated as when I watched you limp off the field on Sunday. I pray your lady holds you tight and makes everything alright.

Friday, September 5, 2008

This Is Sad.

Rumer Willis blames her father Bruce for her angular jaw. The 20-year-old star - the daughter of ‘Die Hard 4.0′ star Bruce and his ex-wife Demi Moore - can’t stand her unusually large chin, and thinks she inherited it from her dad.
She said: “People tell me all the time that I look my mom. I see the resemblance, sometimes. There was a picture in a magazine about look-a-like mothers and daughters and I saw that I looked exactly like her - which is great.
“I hate my jaw. I don’t know if it’s my dad’s - I think I’m more like my mother, my littlest sister looks exactly like my dad and my middle sister is a mixture of the two.” (celebitchy.com)

I did not even read whatever commentary was attached to this because I know that is it probably rude, talks about nepotism and lookism and all that is evil. I will say this, the only reason she is even addressing this is becasue there are endless articles going into Rumer's jaw, jawline, face, hair, body and really it is sickening. In a normal world she would not be broken down into pieces, but in this one she is.
Rumer, you are still a kid. Do not let cruel people scrutinize you into pointing out imperfections your parents passed down to you.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


When I write about people like Puff Daddy, Mariah Carey or hell any marginally talented actress/singer/rapper it is really because I'm envious. There is a piece of me that is truly envious of people with that sense of delusion that have no qualms about proclaiming their greatness for all to hear while their faults are clearly on display for those of us that live in the real world.
I mean here I am going to the gym, drinking water and eating cottage cheese at the point of a border line psychosis just to look average and still have major issues over this little bulge here, or that little bulge there. Then I have someone like Snoop Dogg, which no disrespect Snoop may just be the suavest mo fo on the planet, but he must be high when he is referring to a Sexual Seduction. When Diddy keeps repeating of his greatness when clearly he is of average, well everything. When I see girls that clearly should not be wearing that, whatever it is they chose to wear, let's say that tubetop, or that eye makeup, or shit both. I'm envious of that I don't give a fuck, this right here is the shit attitude because I did not get that gene. I was too busy waiting in line for good vocabulary, punctuality and occasional good natured attitude.
I need a vodka tonic, this is bullshit.


For the first time, scientists have proven that "beer goggles" are real — other people really do look more attractive to us if we have been drinking.
Surprisingly, the beer goggles effect was not limited to just the opposite sex among the ostensibly straight volunteers recruited for the study — they also rated people from their own sex as more attractive. (MSNBC.COM)

Ok, this has to be the most pointless scientific discovery of the 21st century. Fuckin' duh. The only reason those scientists had to recreate this phenomenon in a lab is because they have never actually been at a bar or a club around 2am. Basically they do not know the meaning of last call.

Yeah, this will definetly work

Anti-Scientology crusaders say they will sit silently among the audience at the Gerard Schoenfeld Theatre wearing masks of British Catholic revolutionary Guy Fawkes.
A rep for Anonymous tells The Sun: “We aren’t looking to shut All My Sons down. We don’t have the power to do that – we just want to prove a point. We just want to save Katie. We want to draw attention to Scientology, and hopefully get Katie out of it before it’s too late.” (justjared.com)

Guys, we appreciate the effort to "save" Katie but I think that ship has sailed. She has a kid, she is living in a mansion monitoring thetons or whatever, hasn't cracked a smile in months...please kiss Joey goodbye. Somehow I think wearing the masks worn in V For Vendetta, while you sit quietly in the audience is not going to work. Nor should it be allowed. It's not like they are going to let me sit in there with my Michael Myers mask on to remind people of the silent killer that is Scientology.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

"In A World"....Movie Announcer Dies

Voiceover legend Don LaFontaine passed away on Monday. He was 68 years old. (perezhilton.com)

"In A World".....or "In A Town"....and then Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, or Tommy Lee Jones will do something followed by an explosion.
This is just awful. Who is going to do this job now? I mean, this man's voice managed to make every single movie preview sound interesting. RIP sir, I hope your afterlife is as exciting as you made Rush Hour 3 sound.


This week McCain announced his running mate would be a woman, Sarah Palin the Governor of Alaska. Some call the choice reckless by the "Maverick" Republican Candidate. I call it what it is, kinda ballsy. Personally I feel no connection with this woman. Am I supposed to simply because she has ovaries? I can see what he is trying to do.
Unfortunately the amount of hipococracy involved in a political career move such as this is staggering. She was not chosen because she is the best for the job, it is simply because she is a woman. I predict the older generation will be staying home on Super Tuesday. The good ol' boys will be hard pressed to vote for the black guy or now for that lil' lady. Hopefully younger voters will come out and shout what they want for the future, no matter what their choice is. If you think the politicians suck, they are what we have chosen. They are the "elite" of what sucks if you will.