Monday, May 19, 2008

That's Enough Mariah Carey....

There was a time that I really enjoyed you. You were a fresh faced, beautiful, ethnic looking (what ethnicity you were quite vague on but ethnic nontheless.) singer, with killer pipes and a low key demeanor. Then as you like to say you were freed from the clutches of evil Tommy Matolla and somewhere between then and today I would say you have lost your marbles about 50 times. First, it was the nakedness. Ok, I get it. He didn't like you wearing revealing things so you bought yourself every size 2 miniskirt you could get you hands on. The fact that you really were a size 6 didn't matter. The only way to be sexy is to look young, you not being so young decided that you were not only going to be young but a fucking child. FOREVER! From the Hello Kitty radio/toaster/bedspread/stuffed animals, down to those tube tops you insist on squeezing yourself into that even Britney Spears would have said "no way that's too skanky for me.", to those rediculous butterly barettes and accessories. Oh and blonde, blonde must be blonde. Boobs, boobs must get boobs. Now what else can you do to look completely generic see, let's get rid of the "ethnic looking features" so now you look well......weird. Non descript ethnicity that is perfect....and mysterious! Now to add to that mystique make sure the camera never gets that side of you face. You know the bad side? Be ever so careful to make sure it is obsucred at all times by your hand, hair, dark shadow or better yet off camera completely or it will turn all of those attempting to watch your videos, which are unbearable to watch as it is (I mean all women answer the door for the computer fix it guy in a lace bra and thigh highs all the time) to stone. Almost Medusa like.
Now, my advice to you Mimi (can I call you Mimi?) is stop trying to think you have to look like a photoshop picture....yeah they can tell the difference. Dress like the classy lady I hope you are inside. No more belly chains while wearing jean miniskirts with cutoff tees and your "boobs" spilling out over the top. Nobody, dresses like this anymore not even teenagers. It is not 1998, you are not 28 you're 38 get over it. After a certain age the trick I hear is pick one, legs, boobs, or belly...not all at the same time. No more Hello Kitty, butterfly or water slide references. This may be a little harder for you to let go considering you just married a 12 year old but I can hope. Also, LOOK AT ME DAMMIT! LOOK AT ME! What the hell kind of psychotic ego maniac gets all glammed up to cover half of her face 75 % of the time? Jesus, you are on every magazine list of Hottest Hotness and we can't even seeeee you. Help me to help you.....That's enough.
Your dog, Jack.

PS- don't buy me anymore sweaters or shoes, it belittles us both

1 comment:

LAURA said...

You forgot to bark..